Ah…the scent of celebrity. It seems like so many famous folk either have their own perfume or are heading in that direction. What I’m trying to say here is that we’ve had enough of celebrities tossing their own uncultured olfactory palates into the bouillabaisse.. It pisses me off enough that my absolute favourite perfume, Elizabeth Arden’s Splendor, was recently discontinued, despite the fact that no other perfume has ever drawn so many compliments from even the least observant members of both sexes. In the search for a new Eau de Parfum spray, I am compelled to present my findings:

Lovely by Sarah Jessica Parker: The package of this gorgeous perfume suggests a beautiful blend of mandarin, rosewood, girl next door glamour and a unique sense of style. Conjures up memories of Love’s Baby Soft, Rave extra-hold hairspray, jelly sandals, Kim Cattrall in Porky’s, and Freddy Fucking Kreuger.

Really Smells Like: Ass de Ferris Bueller

Curious by Britney Spears: Allegedly contains Louisiana magnolia touched with golden Anjou pear and dewy lotus flower, pink cyclamen, and vanilla-infused musk in rich, creamy sandalwood. An addictive aura for half-baked men with the munchies who cannot get it up otherwise.

Really Smells Like: A nauseating combination of gasoline restrooms, fake hair extensions, baby spitup, and second-hand pot smoke.

Glow by JLo: This captivating scent will lure them closer. The seductive, yet fresh fragrance combines bright citrus and floral notes with captivating vanilla and jasmine, in a manner suggestive of multiple relationships. Will cause you to find P.Diddy, Chris Judd, Ben Affleck, Marc Anthony, and some waiter guy as marriage material.

Really Smells Like: Something orangy combined with the floral undercurrent of wilting ladyflower.

Seekrit Agent Note: If the above illustrations haven’t yet convinced the makers of perfume to just stop now, then let’s run through some hypotheticals, shall we?

Escapemonos by Marc Anthony: Latino Mentiras de Amar del álbum del estallido con canciones como “Ahora Quien” y con Jennifer Lopez. Es rumered que el la Pena de Valio fue dedicado a Jennifer Lopez, y después de su relación con Dayanara y su amor undying para Jennifer Lopez, momentos antes que Jennifer Lopez terminó su relación con peines de Sean P.Diddy. Whatever.

Really Smells Like: Pinstriped suit playfully combined with this guy needs a bath.

Not A Teen Queen by Lindsay Lohan: Wearers exhibit dramatic weight loss and suffer severe attacks of “exhaustion.” Acts as a truth serum, compelling you to grant magazine interviews, wherein you will confess things that we already know. Causes paranoia that words will be “misused and misconstrued.”

Really Smells Like: Permanent marker on the nightclub’s restroom wall. You’ll want your boobs back.

Da Foozball by Adam Sandler: Will give you the balls to sing crappy folk songs that the kids will love, though the tunes carry a vague anti-semitic undertone. That’s okay, because suddenly you’ll be Jewish too. Also will strengthen your medula oblongata. Projected to quench your thirst and taste better too.

Really Smells Like: H2O. Gatorate. H2O. Gatorade! It sucks. It really, really sucks.

I Married A Metro by Victoria Beckham: A feminine yet zesty blend of money-grubbing whore extract and skank nectar. This perfume will help you write a bestselling autobiography even though you’ve never read a book yourself. At least you’ll indirectly help her retain the title of Best-Looking Former Spice Girl.

Really Smells Like: David Beckham’s sweat, which ain’t so bad after all.

Fuck You All by Eminem: Despite the insistance that he this is the real Slim Shady, we just ain’t buying it. A satisfying blend of whipped cream, Rolos, sleeping medication, and authentic dirt from Eight Mile Road. Will help you make many enemies in a short amount of time, but at least you’ll have street cred.

Really Smells Like: Stupidity. You’ll marry your ex-wife if you try this crap.

Eiffel Tower by Tom Cruise: This perfume may cause you to become clinically insane, though you’ll deny all of it because psychiatry is a “pseudoscience,” and the term “chemical imbalance” describes a non-entity. This perfume is infused with the souls of thetans, vitamins, and virtual exercise and packaged with testimonials of dead Scientologists. One purchase of Eiffel Tower will earn you 50% off your first three auditing sessions and five minutes with an e-meter. This perfume does not smell gay at all.

Really Smells Like: Litigation and repressed homosexuality.