And here come the Oedipal religious jokes. There are many, many reasons not to marry Madonna, but if your own name is Jesus, it’s amazing you’d even consider marrying anyone with that name. Nevertheless, it’s reported that Madonna and her current boy toy, Brazilian model Jesus Luz, are planning to tie the knot in a “traditional” Kabbalah wedding ceremony. (How this differs from a standard Jewish wedding I’m not sure, but it’s a safe bet that at some point red string will be used. Possibly for knot-tying.) The two parted company while Madonna pursued her adoption scheme in Malawi, but since then Luz has converted from Catholicism and taken the faith of his mother—sorry, his fiancée—and supposedly he’s ready to make an honest woman of her. Good luck with that.

I can’t stress enough what a terrible idea this is. Jesus was already taking heat from the other male models—evidently a bitchy, bitchy crowd—for seeing Madonna, and if he marries her he’ll never hear the end of it. “Hey, Jesus!” they’ll yell out in the changing room. “Tell us what it’s like to be married to your mother!” Of course, he’s marrying a woman who’s roughly as old as Jack LaLanne and twice as carved, so he’d be hearing that anyway. Meanwhile, Lourdes is probably wondering how she can escape from this hothouse of religious symbolism into some saner environment. Say, a Buddhist nunnery.