Saturday is the birthday of Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone Ritchie, and it’s a landmark occasion. The durable, even semi-mummified singer, entertainer, and all-around pop tart will be turning 50. Well, that’s a secret. Madonna was born August 16, 1958, so you shouldn’t have to break out a pocket calculator to figure her age, but Madonna has decreed that all references to the dire number beginning with 5 and ending in 0 shall be barred from her party. In fact, the Material Girl has declared that she is, “spiritually 36,” a figure she probably produced by applying some elaborate kabbalistic calculation to that passage in the Book of Revelation that describes the Whore of Babylon.

Madonna might be a little wrinkly and veiny, but she’s in fantastically good shape for a fifty-year-old, no surprise, given her fanatical fitness regimen. Still, the last time she was 36, Monica Lewinsky was still years away from acquiring her presidential kneepads. Want a further clue to her true age? According to the Mirror, Justin Timberlake plans to mark the occasion by giving Madonna a lovely set of golf vouchers. Golf vouchers. That’s a demi-centennial gift if ever I heard of one.