As you may well imagine, my reaction upon learning of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen’s new website was that of ecstasy, relatively speaking. In just one cyberlocation, one can download stylish pictures such as the one above, shop for Mary-Kate and Ashley clothing, and read their blog!* Omigawd, I am so excited.

These twenty-year olds have functioned as roles model for millions and of young girls for almost two decades now, and if that isn’t a scary enough statement at face value, then consider that their individual worth is estimated at $150 million each. The Olsens grew up in front of America’s television audience. Their joint role as Michelle Tanner took them from infancy through late toddlerhood, and even those people who couldn’t stomach the show for longer than it took to find the remote control watched with perverse horror, wondering how these strange-looking little girls would turn out. The perils of childhood stardom often make for more tragedies than long-term successes.

Most gossip columnists and bloggers lament the plight of Mary-Kate (above), otherwise known as the “fun twin,” whose very public broken engagements and other such entanglements, notorious chain smoking, and recent romance with anorexia have scored her headlines for the past few years. Contrary to the alarmist perceptions, I think Mary-Kate at least possesses a sense of reality from her experiences and can ultimately take care of herself. I’d wager for her in a street fight against most young starlets these days.

On the other hand, Ashley Olsen (below) wears the perpetual expression of a severely depressed psychiatric patient. With all of those millions, one would think she could possibly manage to crack a smile on occasion.

Whenever I see these twins, I recall their early and unwitting days on “Full House,” and I can’t help but think they were body-snatched. I can’t understand how two babies who got their first television gig simply by not crying when producers held them somehow blossomed into media tycoons and ended up being the stuff male fantasies are made of. And if I were their friend, I would never know what to get them for their birthday. The problem isn’t just that they’re rich enough to buy anything their heart desires, but that they’ve been told from such an early age that they are perfect. When someone kisses your ass from a very early age and tells you that you can do no wrong, well, you tend to grow up thinking you can do no wrong.

* Signing off in unison with the twins’ blog: “Rock on everybody!”