On a tip from the Metrosexual Wonder comes Larry Niven’s tragic tale of a mating session between Superman and Lois Lane:
The problem is this. Electroencephalograms taken of men and women during sexual intercourse show that orgasm resembles “a kind of pleasurable epileptic attack.” One loses control over one’s muscles.
Superman has been known to leave his fingerprints in steel and in hardened concrete, accidentally. What would he do to the woman in his arms during what amounts to an epileptic fit?
Consider the driving urge between a man and a woman, the monomaniacal urge to achieve greater and greater penetration. Remember also that we are dealing with kryptonian muscles.
Superman would literally crush LL’s body in his arms, while simultaneously ripping her open from crotch to sternum, gutting her like a trout.
Lastly, he’d blow off the top of her head.
That’s not exactly truth, justice, and the American way. Oh wait, he’s still going:
Ejaculation of semen is entirely involuntary in the human male, and in all other forms of terrestrial life. It would be unreasonable to assume otherwise for a kryptonian. But with kryptonian muscles behind it, Kal-El’s semen would emerge with the muzzle velocity of a machine gun bullet. (*One can imagine that the Kent home in Smallville was riddled with holes during Superboy’s puberty. And why did Lana Lang never notice that?*)
These scenarios get even funnier (and slightly more gruesome) as the article goes on. Poor Superman just can’t get any action.
Imagery: DC Comics
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Long time reader/first time commenter/fellow Tulsan.
I hate to be a total dork (who am I kidding? I go to Mammoth or World of Comics every wednesday, and I named my son Flash. I love being a dork!)
but this article is inaccurately presumptive. First of all, as established in the comics, many “secondary” Kryptonian abilities (i.e. X-ray, heat, freeze breath, even flight) don’t develop until adolescence. Furthermore, kryptonians do not inherently have these abilities, they gain them upon prolonged exposure to our yellow sun. Upon extended, prolonged exposure, their bodies will retain these abilities (acting as highly efficient “solar batteries”) until they come in proximity to red sun radiation. Speaking of red sun radiation, it’s a pretty easy way for him to temporarily remove his powers so as to make the act of coitus easier for Lois. I’m pretty sure he’s got a red solar energy generator up in that Fortress of Solitude (and if he doesn’t, Batman surely does, in the event Earth’s mightiest force goes rogue). I know this article was written way way pre-crisis in 1971, but come on Mr. Niven. How bout a little creative problem solving?
Oh wait, this was supposed to be a joke, wasn’t it? Fuck me…
I named my son Flash
And your wife let you?
It was her idea!
I love The Flash, hands down my favorite superhero ever. But I never would have thought to name him that. She’s just totally awesome.
All bets should be off… I mean, he’s not really human, now is he?
And don’t forget, he’s actually Al Gore’s son:
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/al_gore_places_infant_son_in
They discussed this very notion in Clerks, remember? Randall was saying that Superman would definitely need a kryptonite condemn due to the force of his semen which would probably rip Miss Lane in two once he came. Hilarious!
HAAAAAAA HAAAAAaaaaaaAAAAAAAAA HA!!!!!!!!!
Awesome
Jeremy – Heh!….
Oh, wait….I’m stoned.
nevermind.