Perhaps I’m just feeling confessional lately, but I feel compelled to own up to looking at these piccies and immediately shouting, “OMFG, Lourdes Leon is dating a member of Guns N’ Roses! Madonna is gonna be so fucking pissed!”

Then, the horrid post-Catholic guilt settled in. Hey, just because the bitch chooses to work out three fucking hours per day — not to mention the existence of the crappiest plastic surgery money can buy — doesn’t mean that I should make fun of Madge’s excessive masculinity. However, that unkempt, greasy-looking hair is inexcusable, for all she has to do is sweep that strawlike mop up into a funky ass clip, and, see, that’s not so bad, now, is it?

At times like these, it comforts me to know that Rabbi Shmuley Boteach still feels righteous after giving Madonna an earful. He should confiscate that Kabbalah bracelet until she hands over the protein bars.

P.S. Ketosis is not sexy.