“You’ve got to go against your nature and eat less. Until you’re not fat any more. Or, as Roseann Barr once said: “Just be fat and shut up.”‘

- Via a riveting discussion at Althouse

NICOLE: See that box with me inside? I love that box. It symbolizes how I feel inside because I’m like famous and trapped and stuff. And it makes me look really tiny too.

PARIS: My box is hott.

NICOLE: I just want to say to Ann Althouse that you’re so totally right about fat people and stuff.

PARIS: Rosanne Barr is not hott. I love Ann Althouse she’s hott.

NICOLE: Yeah. And don’t let those fatties bother you. They’re just jealous because they can’t stop eating. Look at me - I stopped eating and I look fabulous. My gay personal assistant told me so.

PARIS: Raul is hott and definitely not gay - he’s just selective. But you do look hotter now because you were really fat. Like a size 10 or something.

NICOLE: Look at us in that picture together. Best friends forever!

PARIS: We’re hott. Not everyone can stand close and pose all squished together like that.

NICOLE: See how great we look? Our stomachs don’t even touch, but our boobs do.

PARIS: Squished boobs are hott.

NICOLE: I love these pictures of you. Sometimes I look at them and pretend it’s me eating that hamburger.

PARIS: That commercial wasn’t easy you know. I had to have five colon hydrotherapy treatments in a week - just to get rid of all those toxins in my system.

NICOLE: Gawd. I would do anything to eat that hamburger right now. If a cow was walking across the street right now, I’d kill it myself with my bare fingernails.

PARIS: I love animals they’re hott.

NICOLE: These arms might not look like much, but all this self-control I have really builds lots of strength.

PARIS: Koalas and kangaroos. And chihuahuas.

NICOLE: Really, I eat, like, nothing. Witness my awesome display of self control.

PARIS: I would never eat that stuff in real life. That was just for entertainment - and money.

NICOLE: Gawd. I really want a fucking hamburger.