If you don’t know about Hannah Montana, you don’t have any daughters or female relatives under the age of fourteen. The blandly cute star of the Disney Channel has been conquering the worlds of children’s television, children’s music, children’s movies, and children’s lives like a perky little Genghis Khan. Now, in a final expression of Hannah’s all-conquering power, the Disney World Florida branch of the Disney global megacorporationplex is offering little girls (and suitably deranged older persons) a chance to become Hannah Montana. The “secret star” makeover costs a mere $109.95, and kids can take home the wig, the headset, a photo, and various other memorabilia. Additional photos, or the actual clothing, might cost you a bit.

To be honest, I can’t work up too much outrage over this. Hannah Montana is one of those New Millennium cultural icons like the High School Musical franchise. Both of them strike me as perky, bland, very nice, and just that little bit stupid. The worst you can say about Hannah Montana is that she reinforces the general assumption that the highest achievement in life is becoming a celebrity. What we really need is a kids’ series like Miley Stewart, Girl Biochemist.

Well, no. As a child I was absolutely no fun at all. Why do you ask?