Okay, we’ve calmed down enough since our last Inglorious Bastards post and can now freely move about the cabin to provide updates concerning the various bastards at play. We were drawn back by the idea that this bizarre casting scenario may soon produce full playing deck of confirmed, hypothetical, accused, suspected, and rejected bastards, which will make for some nifty party tricks, ya dig? All hail Quentin Tarantino and his mad casting frenzy, as shooting for the pic begins on October 13.

Brad Pitt: Bastard. Confirmed as Aldo Raine, leader of the eight rogue American soldiers who go after Nazi scalps. Probably working on his character’s Tennessee hillbilly accent at this very moment, while Maddox and Zahara laugh uproariously.

Leonardo DiCaprio: Not a bastard. Leo’s name has been floating around for the role of SS Col. Hans Landa, but QT decided that he’d rather have a German actor than Mister Angry Chipmunk. Can’t say we blame QT on this one.

Eli Roth: Bastard. Confirmed as Sgt. Donnie Donowitz, the Bear Jew with a deadly baseball swing and a killer smile. Word on the street is that Roth has traveled to his native Boston to reacquire his character’s accent, which pretty much tells us that QT wrote the part for Roth. Awww.

Simon Pegg: Not a bastard. Previously lined up as Lt. Archie Hicox, but eventually bowed out to scheduling difficulties, which are sort of not surprising since the shoot is fast approaching.

B.J. Novak: Bastard. Pretty much confirmed as PFC Utivich, a “soldier of slight build” who hails from New York. Hopefully, he’s working out at this very moment.

Adam Sandler: Not a bastard. QT offered him a role, but Sandler declined, citing scheduling conflicts as the reason. Either that or his medulla oblongata was acting up.

David Krumholtz: Not a bastard. QT offered him a role as part of Aldo Raine’s team, but scheduling conflicts. We can’t help but notice that those brows would rival those of Eli Roth.

Samm Levine: Bastard. QT effectively hired him to replace David Krunholtz in an as-yet disclosed bastard role. Oddly, we have no opinion on this one except for, again, the eyebrow thing.

Mike Myers: Bastard. Confirmed for the role of British General Ed Fenech, and, even though this is a bit part, we still think it sucks. Big time.