Most assuredly, this blog has found its place as a nice little satire of our pop culture decadence, but lately, as my gay boyfriend put it, Tom Cruise has become so wacky that he’s beginning to write his own satire. Anyway, when the gossip deluge starts to become interesting again, which is probably tomorrow, I’ll report on something bizarre and unbelievable such as Denise Richards dating Richie Sambora. Gawd forbid!

At any rate, the handsome gentleman over at Chasing Vincenzo has been discussing deception during online dating. So I’m taking a reprieve and rattling on about the knowledge I accrued in a past life, otherwise known as hell the online dating world. As many know, these services provide surveys, questionaires, and everything short of a rectal thermometer in a vain attempt to “assure a match.” One of the more telling aspects of an online dating profile may be found in the set of checkboxes under the “Looking for” or “Interested in” section. Read on for the sadiemasochistic analysis of the possible answers:

1. Interested in Friendship: Either this fellow has a girlfriend and is casually shopping for a replacement, all the while having a convenient excuse to keep his profile online, or he is so damn suave (read: conceited) that women cannot resist his overwhelming masculinity. Either way, it likely points towards bad news. Or gayness.

2. Interested in Play: Definitely married to “frigid” wife, who used to be great in bed. Seriously thinks that he can arrange lunchtime “play sessions” with females in late teens to early twenties. Seriously believes all the women on “adult” dating sites are real. Never realizes that “frigid” wife no longer desires him because he sucks in bed.

3. Interested in Friendship, Play: Probably married. Definitely a pervert. If married, likely looking to talk wife into having a lesbian threesome. If not married, he probably has attachment issues stemming from sluttish mother who recycled several live-in boyfriends during his youth.

4. Interested in Dating: Just a playa, baby. Either this fellow is truly a male slut who wants to bag all the babes he possibly can in a solitary lifetime, or he recently got out of a long relationship. If this is the case, his girlfriend probably dumped him because he failed to propose within several years of dating. Can we say, “Issues?”

5. Interested in Serious Relationship: Clearly desperate and possessed of little shame. On a date, will ramble on about being effortlessly successful careerwise but overwhelmingly unlucky in love. After date, will call several times in a few hours to demonstrate that he is “interested.” Two likely outcomes: [1] After calling every day for three weeks, he will eventually send email or leave voice mail calling the woman a horrible, bitchy person. [2] After calling for a few days and not getting satisfactory confirmation of second date, will send long email about his impending trip to Russia for a mail-order bride. He will want to know if you think he should cancel the trip. Proper answer – an emphatic, “No, go get on that airplane, you freak.”

6. Interested in Dating, Serious Relationship: Perhaps the most well-rounded category to achieve via checkboxes. Likely realistic and not afraid of committment, but not desperate enough to jump headfirst without dating someone for awhile first. Go ahead and read the rest of his profile, since he might be a great fellow. Or not.

7. Interested in Friendship, Dating, Serious Relationship: Related to Bachelor #6, but slightly paranoid that he’ll seem like an asshole if you think he can’t be friends with a girl. Possibly a yellow flag and sign that he hasn’t much paid attention to what the girls he’s dated actually want, which could have ramifications in the sex department. Either that, or the fellow overanalyzed the checkboxes for several hours before taking a sum-zero approach. Indecisiveness is not an attractive quality, so let’s hope the hand just got click-happy. Worth a date, but only with careful scrutiny.

UPDATE: Hahahahahaha!!! I just got called a sexist pig by . . . a sexist pig.