I know: a day without a Paris Hilton post is like a day without a nasty burning sensation in your nethers, but this one is merited because there’s been an amazing development in Paris’ “love” life. No, she and Doug didn’t tie the knot. It seems not nearly long enough since the happy couple was running around Cannes, trying to turn the entire city bulimic with their relentless PDAs, but for some reason things didn’t work out. Paris and Doug are quits, and Paris dealt with the heartbreak by promptly hooking up with Cristiano Ronaldo, who celebrated his recent £s;80 million swap to Real Madrid by spending one night in Paris. For some reason this is reminiscent of that scene in The Jerk where Steve Martin becomes so rich he can buy rotgut Chablis in 5-gallon water cooler bottles. As for Doug — well, as some dead white guy once said, — nothing in his life became him like the leaving it.” Here’s Doug’s public statement on their brief, magical relationship:

Doug refuses to take part in this ridiculous media circus. He wishes Paris and all of her future boyfriends the best of luck.”

Or, to put it another way: Paris Hilton is a dirty, dirty whore. And that’s the amazing development. One of her hookups actually left with a degree of class, however transient, and called Paris out on her slutty, sub-Di behavior. That’s probably a first. One might hope this will happen much, much more often in the future, but I wouldn’t hold my breath.

UPDATE FROM AB: Paris has apparently changed her mind and allegedly crawled back to Doug. Uh, okay.