Is there anyone she can’t communicate with? To hell with Angelina Jolie, Oprah ought to be World Ambassador. Think of how fast she could bring about world peace and end hunger. In her latest bit of goodwill Oprah, who isn’t married and also isn’t having a lesbian fling with Gayle King, explains to you common women how to get through to your man…

The first bit of advice is on how to motivate your man, when he won’t get that pesky honey-do item taken care of.

Don’t ask him to do a specific task (”Fix the drip in the shower”) but to be in charge of solving the problem (”The leak in the shower is driving me crazy”). Offer to help him (”Tell me what tools you need, and I’ll go get them for you”). Men love to show women their tools.

She’s got me there, I’m always willing to show a woman my tool, so I can’t argue with her on that. Of course if football is there’s a pretty good chance you’ll still be ignored, so I’d recommend sweetening the deal by offering a bit of oral gratification.

The next bit Oprah’s talking about using wordplay to gain an advantage.

The best way to seduce a man the first time is to let him know you’re interested — but not easy — with the word maybe.

Maybe you should get together, maybe you’ll have a drink with him, maybe you’d like to see his place. There’s enough yes in maybe to keep a man from feeling rejected and enough no to keep him challenged.

Really if you let us “score” on the first night we’ll call. Honest, we believe in true love at first sight, maybe.

But she continues, with excellent advice in this matter.

It doesn’t matter what you’re arguing about — he just wants to be right. This is his weakness; you can use it like judo, turning his own momentum against him.

Saying two little words, “You’re right,” is the verbal equivalent of darting a raging elephant with animal tranquilizers. It gives him what he wants, reducing tensions and leaving the way open for you to get what you want.

Ah yes, the old bob and weave can be effective on the fragile male psyche and you really can get what you want. If, um, providing oral gratification services are what you want. Other than that, well you’re probably shit-out-of-luck, because we’ll be gloating that you finally admitted we’re right.

Most shockingly though, Oprah says that all men ever think about is sex.

Men like receiving compliments because they think it means that you are going to have sex with them. This can make complimenting a man awkward, no matter how straightforward you are about your intentions.

He’ll reach this same conclusion if you (a) say “good morning” to him, (b) smile at him, or (c) ignore him, so you might as well go ahead and compliment him if you want.

I know every time the chubby girl at the gas station, the one who is missing all her teeth, smiles at me. She’s wanting to jump my bones and really, I’m wanting to jump hers. I mean, who doesn’t want to get their groove on with a chick that weighs in at 300 lbs without her head and the tobacco-spittle stains just scream sexy. So ladies, complement away, and all the while we’ll know that you’re picturing us naked and hung like Mandingo the warrior prince. Why not just skip to the case and offer up the oral gratification, we know that’s what you want.

Really its no wonder that the Oprahites, or whatever her minions are called, are all fucked, in the head. I’ve received better relationship advice from the “masseuse” at the Thai bath-house just down the street.