Other Departments of Hell are Still Hiring

By Mr. Atoz in Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow

I was going to go with a story about Bradley Cooper’s astonishing fluency in French as he promotes The Hangover 2 (or Le Gueule du Bois Deux, according to my Babelfrench) to gullible Francophones as some sort of Lewis-and-Martin comedic romp. But this blog seems to be threatening to turn into an all-XY, all the time kind of operation, so let’s look over the job listings, shall we? Hmmm…. If you missed your chance to hire on as Pauly Shore’s buttboy, you might be interested to learn that Gwyneth Paltrow is hiring a nanny/tutor for her two kids. (Keep in mind here, the oldest is seven.) Provided, of course, that you can meet her exacting standards:

You’ll be:
• Fluent in four languages [Latin, Classical Greek, French, and Spanish]
• Grade 8 standard in two [musical] instruments
• “Probably” an Oxbridge graduate
• “Passionate” about sailing and tennis

Somehow, this seems a tad excessive. Throw in a taste for sexual assault, and a man with these qualifications could land a senior position at the IMF. The job only pays $98,000 a year, but there are some cushy fringe benefits. I might even try for it myself. All I’d have to do is brush up on my French, Spanish, Greek and Latin, brush up on my tennis game, learn to sail, and acquire or forge a graduation certificate from Oxford or Cambridge. Once those details are out of the way, I’m in like Flynn.


I smell a Jane Austen novel in the making: Emma, from an impoverished but genteel family, is taken in by her wealthy aunt and given a first-class education. But the aunt dies, having neglected (for fifteen years) to rewrite her will, so that all the money goes to the British Hedgehog Preservation Society[*], and Emma gets nothing. She is thrown back on the charity of her siblings, who are all ambitious City types, impatient with and resentful of their nobby, “useless” sister.

Poor Emma! All that education, and none of it any use! Whatever will she do?? And then one day, she sees an advertisement…

Yes, yes, that will do. Throw in a pair of rival suitors — a young naval officer and a disguised earl — and I think we have something.

[*] Member since 1991 or so. No, really.

06.02.11 | 9:29 pm

Do you think Paltrow’s family life = “Mommy Dearest” on acid?

06.03.11 | 7:45 am

Hedgehog preserves are excellent on a crumpet.

06.03.11 | 7:49 am

I kind of like the notion of a Jane Austen novel, although personally I was thinking something more like an incredibly warped update of Jane Eyre. 8)

06.03.11 | 9:21 am
the wolf

It would have been more concise to say, “You must be more interesting and better-educated than your prospective employer and excessively overqualified for the position.”

06.03.11 | 2:52 pm

So, like, English? Is fluency in English a requirement?

She is like a teenager sitting around and dreaming about what they will put in their rider when their band makes it big.

So, like I hear Van Halen had people pull out all the brown M&Ms! Well, I hear someone hired a nanny that speaks three languages so I’m going to have one that speaks FOUR languages!

06.03.11 | 8:23 pm

[...] Cambridge Scholar? You might be good enough to sign on as a servant at Casa Goopy. Yes, it’ll be torture working for her, but think of the book deal! (AgentBedhead) [...]

06.07.11 | 6:01 pm

It just occurred to me that if she does land that perfect nanny, she’d better damn well be over 50 and overweight because such a person would surely outshine Miss Thang in her own house.

06.07.11 | 9:59 pm

Hedgehog preserves are excellent on a crumpet.

Barbarian! But, er, how do you get the crumpet to hold still while you smear them on her? Wouldn’t the quills hurt?

06.08.11 | 7:13 pm

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