Since you’re reading this on some sort of computational device, most likely you’re sitting down. If not, then do so immediately so you won’t collapse in shock when I tell you that Paris Hilton was arrested for cocaine possession Friday night. Yes, it’s late breaking, shockingly unexpected stories like this that bring readers flocking to this blog by the dozens. Still, the specifics of this incident are worth noting. Bad enough that cops decided to pull the car over when they noticed the clouds of marijuana smoke billowing out of the window. Worse that Paris more or less dropped the cocaine in the officer’s lap when she was fumbling for her lip gloss. Luckily, she was able to explain the presence of this baggie full of a white, powdery substance with a brilliant alibi:

According to an officer’s report, when a little white baggie fell out of the purse Hilton was carrying in Las Vegas Friday, Hilton said that “she had not seen [the bag] but now thought it was gum.”

Paris could be looking at some serious jail time here—cocaine possession is, after all, a felony. But a criminal genius like Paris will evade the charges one way or another. (I’m betting she misses her arraignment and tells the judge she was confused by the time zone difference, or something.) This bint is unstoppable, like Moriarty.