‘Allo, once again, mates! It is I, Peter Doherty, and I am back in rehab with a bunch of wankers. Wot’s worse is me getting bloody pissed off, and what better place to rant and not be heard but here at this . . . bullocks.

Nobody reads gossip blogs anyway, er so I hear.

So yes, I’ve not written for a few months . . . quite a while, really . . . but you see, I’ve been taking drugs. Lots and lots of drugs that have made me a very happy lad. But this day sees a very narked off Prince Of Albion, because I have been shuttered out of a charity gig at Pentonville jail, which is a place that will always hold a place in me heart. That was me former home at her majesty’s pleasure after I nicked poor Carl’s flat, but now the bloody police have banned me appearance for being an improper influence on prisoners!

The Enemy and Dirty Pretty Things, fronted by Pete’s old Libertines bandmate Carl Barat, 29, will now play the gig set up by charity Wasted Youth to highlight young male suicides.

A source said: “The gig is to focus on the message but it would have turned into a Doherty circus. At one point everyone thought Pete was going to be there anyway — as part of the crowd of inmates!”

That’s total rubbish, mates. Bad influence isn’t wot Disney thought, and me prison fans are waiting, and I mustn’t disappoint them. Will I be getting paid for this?

Speaking of nowt in quids, that daft cow Kate couldn’t even afford a cheap pair of circus glasses for her daughter. Oh, mates, the tears just rolled down me cheeks to hear such news.

Where was I? Oh yes, poetry reading. Hand me that bloody tourniquet, mate.

Sixes and sevens. Sixes and sevens. Oh but those prats will rue the day they banned me from jail. Pete Doherty will enter Pentonville again!