Just fucking kidding, mates. However, with a little imagination and a lack of context, this authentic news story story has great entertainment potential:
BRAVE police officers have been recognised for rescuing a pensioner from a burning flat.
These fearless souls — Lorene Phillips (38), Simon Lowther (38), and Pete Doherty (45) — put their own lives at risk to save a pensioner trapped in his own coffin of flames. Isn’t this exciting? Play along with me, mates:
Doherty overheard the emergency call over the radio and was already on the scene when his colleagues arrived.
Seconds later the windows exploded as they forced their way through to save the 65-year-old man, as the flat above collapsed through the roof.
Doherty said: “Any officer in the same situation would have done exactly what we did that morning.”
Then, the real Pete Doherty conveniently wandered by whilst strumming his guitar. With a knowing smile, our antinhero used the remnants of the fire to light his crack pipe. Hey, that last part probably did happen — somewhere in the greater London area.
Naturally, this seems preposterous. Sadly, some people really do expect great things from the NME Shockwaves Hero of the Year, so this may very well get plucked up as a true story involving junkie Pete Doherty. Just you wait.
