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Oh, bloody hell, mates. First off, I would like to thank those of you who emailed me about this story. I cannot begin to explain how flattering it is that, when you hear of a new exploitation for crackhead Pete Doherty, your minds automatically lead you to pass said tidbit onto me. On with the show, mates.

So, the English red tops are all aflutter with the latest revelations that Pete Doherty may be newly obsessed with Scientology. In particular, The Sun claims that Doherty has stocked up on Scientology literature after he was photographed walking next to “Scientologist DJ Nadine Ruddy.” Naturally, if one walks next to someone else, they automatically want to adopt their religion.

A source said: “Nadine is really into Scientology. She takes her beliefs very seriously. Pete’s chatted a lot with her about it. He went out and bought some books to read up about it. He just wanted to find out more about Nadine and what she believes in.”

This air of mystery can easily be interpreted as this: Pete Doherty, after hearing rumours of Kate Moss’ as-of-yet unconfirmed engagement to the ruggedly sexy Jamie Hince, wants to look like he’s getting laid too. And, as everyone knows, the quickest route into a Scientologist’s pants is to brush up on the terminology, and, when all else fails, nod politely and sign up for a few auditing courses. Sexy.

Obviously, Scientology loves celebrities, and Pete Doherty is more of a celebrity than any other musician in England. Further, Scientology has really yet to crack England in the same manner as it has anchored its tentacles throughout the United States. However, the image-conscious cult probably isn’t interested in the junkie wastrel as the new face of Scientology:

• Pete Doherty is anti-establishment to the point of advocating “petrol bombers, mate, and fighting in the streets.”
• Pete Doherty talks too much and is easily twice the loose cannon as Tom Cruise, who can at least stay on topic.
• Pete Doherty will never stop taking drugs. While Scientology would love to claim him as a Narcanon™ success, the risk of failure is approximately 137%.
• Tom Cruise and John Travolta would shit twice and die before allowing Doherty into the cult. ‘Nuff said.

However, some good can come of these Scientology rumours that stem from Doherty being photographed (below left) with Nadine Ruddy. This provides the excellent opportunity to slap Doherty’s head onto Tom Cruise’s tiny little body. Bless their little cotton socks.