Poor Pete Doherty has acquired an impersonator who has launched a series of crank calls and messages that have reportedly been a plague upon Paris Hilton:

Someone claiming to be potty Pete Doherty has made so many nuisance phone calls to Paris Hilton that she has ditched her phone.

Paris is currently filming her a reality show for MTV. My mole behind the camera said: “She got lots of messages from a guy saying he was Pete Doherty and wanted her to come to England to visit him.”

Oh, the injustice of it all, but, if these calls were authentic, you’d think these two could at least chat about their mutual prison time. Speaking of which, every few months or so, some douchebag sells a story to an English redtop that claims Pete Doherty has finally decided to pen a tell-all book about his relationship with Kate Moss. The tabloids always seize upon these stories without regard to the very strict defamation laws in England, which, upon the slightest protest from Moss, would never allow such a book to be published. This particular line of bullshit from Pete’s fellow prison inmate Tony Sansom, however, is at least more creative than most:

Junkie rocker Pete Doherty has opened his heart for the first time about his wild love affair with Kate Moss. He told all about his kinky orgies with the top model and said he wanted to dump her because her huge appetite for sex “wore him out”. [sic] The Babyshambles star said he and Kate were once even caught together in the toilet of a department store by security guards.

The singer even jotted down a contract in a prison-issue book for cellmate Tony to write his story – entitled Kate On A Plate – on his release.

As he outlined what he wanted in the book, Pete, 29, bragged to his stunned prison pals about his red-hot sex life with the catwalk queen, 34. And he shocked fellow inmates with tales of his drug-fuelled orgies and rampant sex games, some of which are too X-rated to print.

As if a heroin addict is actually interested in or even capable of X-rated activity. Such rubbish!

Tony revealed that the notorious pictures apparently showing Pete smoking crack in his prison cell were not all they seemed. Tony said: “Those photos of Pete that found their way into the papers weren’t true. He was bullied into having those photos taken. Pete had put certain noses out of joint and that was their way of getting revenge. He’s such a sweet boy. It was heart-breaking to see him reduced to that cowering victim. I felt very protective towards him. But he was a popular lad in prison. Unfortunately, most of the guys in there are pretty confident they’ll see him again. They all think he’ll be back inside before long.”

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Oh bloody hell, I’ve nodded off again, which is just one of many reasons that the use of “heart-breaking” by an ex-felon should be prohibited by law.