Reese Witherspoon and her husband have separated.

“We are saddened to announce that Reese and Ryan have decided to formally separate,” a rep for the couple said in a statement released Monday. “They remain committed to their family and we ask that you please respect their privacy and the safety of their children at this time.” TMZ.com first reported the couple’s split.

Of course it’d come to light that Reese’s husband Ryan, who shall from hereafter be known as teh idiot, was playing hide teh sausage with Abbie Cornish, “an actress on the rise“. Teh idiot earns his title for being moron enough to leave picture of him and his mistress where Reese could fine them. How many times have I got to tell the knuckleheads, you don’t shit where you eat?

So Reese is obviously going through a very trying time and vulnerable I think it’s best if she moves in with somebody who will have her best interests in mind. Someone, like me. It’d be a sacrifice, but a sacrifice I’m willing to make to ensure another hot young starlet doesn’t follow in the path of Kate Moss, Lindsay Lohan and the Hiltons.

Teh idiot’s cheating can only be explained with one of two statements. He’s, as his name hints at, an idiot and should immediately be neutered as to prevent the possible spread of his damaged DNA. The other reason could be the age old adage about hot chics: no matter how good she looks somebody else is already sick and tired of putting up with her shit. Since Reese is obviously as sane and “down to earth” as celebrities get the only logical choice is teh idiot’s faulty DNA.

Reese if you’re reading this, like you’re prone to do, call me. I’m sure the missus won’t mind at all, I mean you’re on “the list” and everything so it’s cool. Plus I’m pretty sure things would work out and you could support me in a lifestyle I’d become accustomed to and I damned sure wouldn’t go horning around with some young Australian hussy, unless she was like really hot and willing and maybe a bit kinky and I didn’t think you’d catch us.

Scarlett Johansson isn’t an aussie is she?