Behold! In the above photo — if you can call it that, for real vampires, allegedly, cannot be photographed) — two of Robert Pattinson’s Twilight stunt doubles hang with the dude himself. As you can see, the most important qualification for these doubles, willingness to perform life-risking feats aside, was the willingness to accommodate the characteristically dirty-looking hair of the teen heartthrob.

This is terrifying shit, folks. Essentially, RPattz’s hair has become so unruly and uncontrollable that he secretly requires three heads just to provide adequate shelter for it all, and it’s gonna take more than a mere carwash to annihilate this evil. So, next time that I make “mean” remarks about those unwashed masses, kindly place thy raging hormones aside, if only for a moment, and commence taking those prophecies concerning the Two Hairmen of the Apocalpyse a bit more seriously.