English comedian Russell Brand, who was last spotted banging Kristen Bell in Judd Apatow’s film, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, has blogged a very special announcement:

I am proud to be hosting the mtv vma awards. I’m going to celebrate by doing lesbian kisses with both britney and madonna and i’ll be giving michael jackson a special award to celebrate his birthday- which, coincidentally is also a lesbian kiss. X

Brand, who has cultivated a reputation of poor taste, has learned that this gig comes with restrictions, which are largely precautionary based upon his shitty behavior following the 9/11 terror attacks. On September 12, 2001, Brand went on air at MTV UK dressed as Osama bin Laden because, apparently, that was funny or something. MTV fired him on the spot for that prank, and he’s now been asked to present those damn VMAs, but he’s been instructed never to mention the word “Scientology”:

He reveals, “I’ve been warned when I’m presenting there are two things I am never allowed to say.

“One - c***. And two - Scientology.

“There is one sentence that could join both of those words but I’m going to try and not say it.

“I have a problem when people tell me not to do something. When I was going to meet the Queen the protocol people told me how to bow, not to curtsy, not to speak until I was spoken to. But all I could think of was, ‘Grab her tit’!”

Methinks that Russell Brand should invite Tom Cruise onstage and grab his tit.