Look, we all know that boobs can sell just about anything. In Salma Hayek’s case, her glourious boobage can cause cases of Campari, an overpriced and overrated bittersweet alcoholic drink coloured by crushed cochineal insects, to fly off their shelves. Still, I don’t know if Salma and her boobs can sell tickets to the upcoming Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant, and I’ve got a reasonable justification for these doubts…

If you’ll remember, this is the film with the Robert Pattinson lookalike, a rebellious teenager who, according to the film’s tagline, is “sixteen going on immortal.” In addition to the poor woman’s RPattz, the film also features John C. Reilly as a mysterious freak show character, Crepsley, who carries a deadly pet spider and may just be a vampire. Meanwhile, Salma Hayek plays a character who “predicts the future while sprouting facial hair for the first time since Frida.”

Holy crap.

So, I guess Salma plays a bearded lady or something, which essentially negates the potential power of that amazing boobage. Once again, don’t you see what those rabid Twilight fans have wrought?