It’s been a long, long time since I could summon up enough hipster irony to sit through an episode of Spongebob Squarepants, but the show is still on and its tenth anniversary is coming up. Nickelodeon plans to mark the occasion with a Simpsons-style retrospective on November 6th and a gala wedding, where Spongebob will marry Sandy Cheeks (who is not a sponge). The guest list includes Rosario Dawson, Will Ferrell, Tina Fey, Rickey Gervais… More celebrities than you can shake a stick at, basically:

“Over the past decade, SpongeBob has become one of the most beloved characters in television history,” said Brown Johnson, President of Animation for Nickelodeon. “And we’re excited to cap off the year’s celebration with this star-studded special anniversary event.”

Meh. Nickelodeon is about to learn that television weddings never solve anything. For one thing, most of the simmering erotic tension in the series centered on Spongebob and his friend Patrick. For another thing: Getting married, even to someone taller and more mammalian than himself, will do nothing to quiet those longstanding rumors about Spongebob’s sexuality. Not to mention his well-documented desire to sodomize your children. Possibly Tom Cruise can explain this to Spongebob while they’re out shopping for Sandy’s shock collar.

(Picture courtesy of deviantart.com.)