Sure some of you are saying there’s no way in hell Scarlett is trying to convince me to be her personal love slave, yet I know she is. The voices in my head tell me so. The reasons she would want me are too numerous to list so instead I however shall only highlight the most compelling of evidence.

How else would you explain her going ballistic on director Michael Bay when he demanded she were a bra in a scene in action thriller ‘The Island’. Scarlett obviously enchanted by me and distraught that I haven’t succumbed to her advances wanted me to know just how spectacular “the girls” are.

“Scarlett said, ‘I’m not wearing this [expletive] bra. I’m going naked so I can convince phineas g. once and for all that I’m the woman for him.’

Okay so I made the last bit up.

Scarlett really doesn’t have show the world her chesticles, I already realize she’s the breastest there is.

It really is a shame that Scarlett is “too sexy” (is there such a thing?) for her poor excuse of a substitute for phineas g. “boyfriend”, Josh Harnett.

“Josh says he could have done without all the hoopla Scarlett’s attracted over this, especially all the stuff he has to put up with,” a close friend tells Star. “People who normally won’t pry into his life are now asking him, ‘So, Josh, do you feel like the king of the mountain, dating The Sexiest Woman Alive?’ It’s shining a light on the two of them that Josh really didn’t want.”

See, it couldn’t be any clearer, she’s showing me that Josh is nothing to her, Nothing. Hell she’s even resorted to wearing a mask to conceal the shame of not having landed me yet. She’s smiling, sure she looks as happy as ever, but you can see the pain in her eyes. I know its there burning like the rash Nick Carter got from Paris and / or Lindsay or whatever hooker he slept with last week. It really is a shame and I wish there was something, anything, I could do to console her.

I bet that in a couple of years she’ll even get married and pretend to be happy, all in a failed attempt to make me jealous. Well it ain’t gonna work. Why? ’cause I’m happily married, my wife tells me so.