Hot damn, do I love living in the United States, which is a place where an Academy Award apparently qualifies one to lecture upon politics. The lovely and talented Sean Penn took an opportunity last night to pontificate about blowjobs and their resultant stains. While no one truly knows what goes on at such A-list gatherings of the mind, one can bet the following utterances were heard:

10. “Wait a minute, there’s no birthday party for me here!”

9. “This is U.S. History, I see the globe right there.”

8. “Jeff Skilling? Righteous bucks!”

7. “Bill Clinton: He’s the full hot orator.”

6. “Relax, alright? My old man is a television repairman, he’s got this ultimate set of tools. I can fix it.”

5. Hey bud, what’s your problem?

4. “Cheney, you Dick!”

3. “Awesome! Totally awesome! Hey, Bud, let’s party!

2. “So what Jefferson was saying was ‘Hey! You know, we left this England place because it was bogus. So if we don’t get some cool rules ourselves, pronto, we’ll just be bogus too.’ Yeah?�

While I realize this sort of speech is difficult for mere mortals to understand, such is the nature of Sean Penn’s genius. At any rate, Penn’s metaphorical language spoke to the dudes en masse. All was well, awesome even, until his fucking cell phone kept ringing and he stopped to answer it.

1. “Aloha, Mr. Hand.”

What a punk. In all seriousness, has anyone ever noticed how gorgeous Robin Wright Penn appears in photographs? She could perhaps encourage her husband to shower, shave, and get a haircut.