Servicing All of Your Rehab Needs

According to the always-reliable Star, Lindsay Lohan’s rehab stint at Promises wasn’t exactly the kind of bad-sweaty, vomiting-in-a-bucket ordeal described in Trainspotting. Instead, Lindsay spent much of her stay knocked out on cold medicine and whippits, which were smuggled to her by an outpatient at the facility. It would be tough to beat that as an example of non-abstinence, but Daniel Baldwin wins the trifecta on this one. In his video diaries about his rehab experience (shown Tuesday night on Primetime), the most awesome of the Baldwin brothers neglected to mention that while he was in rehab he impregnated the staff chef, who subsequently quit her job. She’s now Daniel’s live-in girlfriend, and presumably she does the cooking.

Well, damn. Lindsay gets coricidin and nitrous delivered to her by an outpatient, and Daniel gets laid and winds up with a new girlfriend. Why do all of our trainwreck celebs act like checking into rehab is such a brutal act of stoic self-denial? These places make a four-star hotel look like a Turkish prison.