Simon Cowell is a bit of an enigma. On the one hand, his comments to the aspiring pop stars on American Idol are rarely any worse than they deserve, and intermittently he’s even clever. On the other hand, he’s an integral cog in the American Idol machine, so it’s difficult to see where he got that sack of “better than the rest of you” attitude that he seems to carry everywhere.

Both sides of Cowell’s persona are on full view in an interview set to appear in the British edition of Glamour. On the one hand, Cowell drags out his non-feud with Ryan Seacrest at tedious length, sounding as bitchy and shallow as possible. But then he delivers this gem:

“You know when you go to your auntie’s and the little chihuahua gets on your leg because it thinks it’s something else,” Cowell said. “That’s my relationship with Ryan.”
Making a swatting gesture, Cowell added, “It’s like–off!”

Seacrest would give one of his testicles to be able to toss off a putdown like that, assuming he could find them. Nicely done, sir. However, Simon promptly hopped back on the Idiocy Express with this line: “To me, Botox is no more unusual than toothpaste. It works, you do it once a year–who cares.” Way to reinforce those stereotypes about English teeth, Simon. And a little something for the rest of us to keep in mind the next time we see Simon kissing some unfortunate wretch. He probably eats with that mouth, too.