It seems both tedious and unnecessary to post about every single development in Tiger Woods’ amazing Margaret Hamilton impression, melting before our eyes into a yucky puddle of sexual effluvia. (So we’ll just note in passing that he’s now fourteen over par and counting.) But it’s worth noting the major developments, such as Tiger’s rumored move to France. Which makes sense, really, because France is renowned for its fast-paced, competitive golfing culture, its challenging courses…. No, that’s not it at all:

There are much stricter privacy laws that afford the Brangelinas of the world a tinted aquarium, rather than the transparent fishbowl that is the U.S. media, in which to live and breathe in virtual freedom and privacy,’ said Michael Wildes, immigration attorney and managing partner at prominent NYC-based immigration law firm Wildes & Weinber.

In other words, Tiger is hoping to hunker down in a French bunker until the media shitstorm dies down, which ought to happen around 2020. By not much of a coincidence, Woods has reportedly hired the same realty firm Brad and Angelina used, looking for a chateau in the same price range — $70 million, which must run to hundreds, maybe thousands of francs. So now he’s your problem, France. Thanks to Sarkozy’s recent efforts on behalf of famous pedophile directors, the only way we’ll consider taking Tiger back is if you throw in Polanski as part of a package deal.