Xenu continues to guide the career of Tom Cruise in mysterious ways. Actually, “totally bugfuck incomprehensible ways” would probably be more accurate, but that’s Xenu for you. First came Tom’s lunch last week with studio mogul Sumner Redstone, the man who canned his ass after MI3’s less than stellar performance at the box office. Now that tempers have cooled, the two would like to make beautiful business together, particularly if Tom’s next vehicle, Valkyrie, is a hit. That’s a risky proposition, given the historical reluctance of Americans to cheer for guys in Nazi uniforms and the project’s distinctly grim buzz.

But Tom didn’t star in Risky Business for nothing. Not a week after his Camp David luncheon with Redstone, Tom popped up as a surprise cameo in Ben Stiller’s new movie Tropic Thunder, playing a balding, foulmouthed studio head with copious body hair who bears a startling resemblance to Sumner Redstone. Risky business, indeed. But possibly a shrewd move. If Valkyrie tanks (a pretty safe bet), then Tom’s relationship with Sumner is a dead letter and he might still have a future in comedy. In fact, that goes much better than action hero with his current couch-jumping, freakshow persona. And if you’re going to make people laugh, what could be better than your own name-brand medical marijuana? Sorry, Tom’s not having any of that, thank you very much. Possibly it’s because Scientology frowns on medical marijuana, or maybe that’s just coincidence. Hard to say, really.

Tom Cruise. He’s like Lindsay Lohan with murkier sexuality and a midlife crisis thrown into the career meltdown. I think I’m falling in love. Not in a gay way, mind you.