Friday December 13th, The 1940s.
Someone once said if it was rainin’ brain, Roxy Robinson wouldn’t even get wet. Everyone knows how he bit the bullet. I was gonna get to the bottom of this case come hell or high water. With the rain outside, it certainly was feeling like the tide was coming in. I walked into the room, dimly lit with the shades drawn, and put my fedora hat on the stand. She was there. With her legs crossed and showing some nylons, I could make out the seam which ran up the back of the leg. Seedy Celeste they called her. I’d looked her name up a few times. They didn’t call me Philip Marlow for nothing. As I walked over to the water cooler I saw the dame standing in the corner. She was unlike any other broad and was shaped in all the right proportions. I’d met her man a few months previous. They called him The Machette Boy. Some say he was handy with a knife.
I’d also met her ex lover and former room-mate. James the Electrician I called him. I remember walking into the place and getting knocked on the back of the head. He put out the lights.
I took off my coat, pulled up a chair and rubbed the back of my neck. I would have rubbed my head but I just knew that would be a little impolite even in front of this lady. Maybe she would rub it for me later.
"You gonna talk?" I asked her, it was 3am and I was tired.
"Sure," she said, chewing her gum, "but can we lose the 1940s black and white movie feel? I really never fancied Humphrey Bogart."
I sighed. I had worked for days on this accent, not that my boss ever thinks I have an accent. Dames. Just no pleasin’ ‘em! "Yeah, okay…"
I climbed into my time machine and transported us to the next century…
Friday 12th November, 2004
The following is an interview that took place between myself and the sexy Celeste in the latest Blogger-on-Blogger episode.
WD: How long have you been addicted to the Internet?
CB: Erm not long actually! The beginning of this year when James introduced me to Penguins and Cats! That’s when I met you, Silk and Nash.
WD Would it be fair to say that meeting Silk has scarred you for life changed your out look in life?
CB: Meeting you guys was brilliant. I love Silk to pieces and we just clicked. It was great. We have the same sense of humour and I have to say we were extremely good when that chaps bum was in your face on the tube.
WD: Ahem. Yes, well… ahem… you’ve been blogging since May… What inspired you to start blogging?
CB: Ha ha ha ha! You know! You did! You started your blog up and I fancied doing you one
WD: *Blush* Well, shucks! I’ve always fancied doing you too! 
When I met you a few weeks ago I was certainly fighting the temptation to take you under the table. I fear the wrath of Tris. Both of them . But perhaps you would explain that fine motion you made with your hands to highlight a certain part of your desirable body?
CB: I have no idea what you are talking about”’.Did I grab my breasts? I can”’t remember!
WD: Did you!! I mean, ahem, did you? So, no chance we can have a photographic demonstration of this sometime?
CB: Oooh depends how desperate I get to raise money to go to Australia!
WD: Strewth. So since joining the Mirth team you have developed *ahem* into even
more of vivacious writer than before. Has it altered how you act in real life?
CB: Not really. I’ve always been quite open about all things naughty. I just didn’t write about it in my blog as I know my littlest sister reads it now and again and I’m not comfortable with her reading about my views on sex!
WD: Okay, I’ve been told to make sure not all questions are about that subject so here is one to just prove a point as DON’T always talk about sex. *looks for a question* What is the meaning of life?
CB: Oooh toughie. Each person has their own opinions on this kinda topic. To me the meaning of life is spending time with people that I love, being happy and having as much fun as I can.
WD: Right, now we have pleased the minority, back to the fun questions. Your top (no pun intended) three sex positions?
CB: You want me on top? Well good , that’s the first of my top 3 positions! Next up is "spoons" and then the old faithful-guy on top.
WD: You like sex with old faithful men? How does Tris feel about this fetish of geriatrics? I guess the wrinkles give added ribbed pleasure…
CB: Ewwwwww. Did you not see the hyphen?
WD: I ignored it. I have a gift of ignoring things. Gets me into all sort of trouble fun. Speaking of which, have you ever kissed a girl?
CB: Yes. Well actually she kissed me.
WD: *Starts singing Summer Lovin’* Tell me more, tell me more, did she get very far?
CB: She was drunk…
WD: You figured she couldn’t go through with it sober?
CB: *Sticks a finger up and continues* and decided she wanted to convince my friends that she was a call girl and that we did shows together. I always get dragged into things! She was determined to make my friends believe it so kissed me-I pulled away when she tried sticking her tongue in my mouth. Sorry I like guys.
WD: Don’t be sorry. And hey, if your finger gets tired, just let me know. I’m happy to give you a hand. Ahem. Bygones. Speaking of fingering, have you ever watched porn?
CB: Indeed. Any pornos that star women with fake boobs and hair extensions make me yawn though.
WD: Wait, you mean there are pornos that don’t have women with fake boobs and hair extensions???
CB: Yes. Will, you”’re a boy you should know what porn is out there.
WD: Who needs porn when I have you, Sadie and Fa||en?
CB: James was telling me what porn was illegal to import and export the other day. He was learning that on his course. Fisting and eating poo are in there. Mmmm pleasant.
WD: I have no idea how to follow that up… oh wait, here’s a question… At a time when America is licking its wounds after a bitter political battle, do you have any views on politics (American, British or Globally?)
CB: It’s all just so complicated! Humans are silly creatures really. A shame that we can’t get along and are all so power hungry.
WD: So, you’d like to push for world peace then?
CB: Why not? I”’m so sick of hearing or watching the news. The same thing happens all the time. Another car bomb has gone off in Iraq/Israel/Palestine. Depressing.
WD: If you could have one magical power (assuming you don’t have any now) what would it be and why?
CB: Hmmm. I quite fancy being a witch actually. I think I would excel in Hogwarts.
WD: According to the book of Wicca, witches have to *ahem* "perform" in the woods naked four times a year. Are you outside kinda girl? What is the wildest place you have had sex?
CB: I have already informed Tilesey of my sex outside fantasy. I”’m sure we”’ll be up to that at some point. I haven”’t actually had sex out in the open. The wildest place so far would have to be a garden shed. The guy I was with at the time took me to his parents house which was huge. The garden backed onto some woods and we went for a walk. On the way back we got caught in the rain and went into the shed at the bottom of the garden for shelter.
WD: Ever used food during sex?
CB: Does chocolate body paint count? It was hilariously funny and I won’t be using it again. Very sticky.
WD: So, does that mean you are kinky in bed?
CB: I hope so. Ask Tilesey.
WD: I’d rather not *scurries off to email Tilesey* Ahem. I believe you had a bad experience once when giving head. I remember you explained this to me on the streets of London when I had a problem with a stuck zipper than you and silk helped resolve… ahem… I remember you blushing a little when recounting the story… pray tell…
CB: You shit! It was the second time I’d ever given head and the guy was enjoying it quite a lot and just as he was about to come he shoved my head onto him quite firmly and came which I wasn’t expecting and it made me throw up. To this day thinking of it makes me wretch.
WD: How impolite. You should have puked on him and bitten his balls! Speaking of which… are you a ball nibbler?
CB: Hmm that depends if it gets the guy going.
WD: One piece of advice you have never given before for guys out there from personal experience of sex.
CB: I am a very honest person and have told all my partners what gets me going. I think the only thing that I can suggest is that guys should be just as willing as his partner is at oral. If your gal is willing to go down on you then you should be just as keen.
WD: Okay… wait a damn second! I mean, I had to chat with Tris, CK and Hailey about this to try and recover from the shock of what you just said… Are you seriously telling me that guys are not willing to give oral to a girl? WTF? Are they mad? Why would a guy pass up an opportunity? I mean, dayum! I just can’t wait to spend lots of time pleasuring Tris (my one, not yours… bygones). Ok seriously, guys out there of whom fall into this category of selfish phnoticisms [new word alert] need to learn what sex is REALLY about! And for ffs, don’t just do a rush job down there! Do I hear an amen?
CB: Mmmmm men *wink*
WD: So to balance things then. One piece of advice you have never given before for girls out there from personal experience of sex.
CB: When having sex missionary style, don’t just lay still, spice up the old favourite!
WD: Amen from me too You are currently involved in a distance relationship. What is the best thing about these kind of relationships?
CB: The best thing is that when you finally do get to see that person the time you spend with them is much more precious. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder and when you see someone everyday you tend to neglect them. It’s true that you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Plus the sex is mind blowing.
WD: *reminds himself of that final point and thanks the irish stars* You rub a lamp (pun intended) and a genie pops out giving you one wish. What do you wish for?
CB: More wishes, duh! Ok ok for the people that I care about and me to be happy and healthy.
WD: You are all heart, yknow that?
CB: Sarcastic bugger.
WD: Have you rubbed many lamps in your life?
CB: When I dust. I have two bedside table lamps. Oh and a silver glitter lava lamp…
WD: And by lamps, of course, I was talking about the phallus kind…
CB: Really? I had no clue.
WD: Pish! Okay, describe yourself in a sentence of 10 words exactly.
CB: Oh man. You’re harsh! Ok. I’m impatient, in love, argumentative, horny, have great breasts and pink coat. Sorry that’s more than 10. Whoops.
WD: Yes, you do have fine breasts. Even someone like me who is a leg man cannot help but notice such fine breasts. I congratulate you. Any tips on how to maintain breasts?
CB: Erm. I don”’t really do anything. I use a sea salt scrub to exfoliate my skin and coconut butter moisturizer. Perhaps it”’s all the attention they get from a sexy guy called Tristan?
WD: And any tips for guys on how they should be treating breasts during sex? I know, from conversations with the girls at MYT, they seem to find that some guys either dive all over them or seem to reluctant to focus on them at all… what is it that girls really want the guy to do with the breasts during love-making?
CB: Hmm. Ask Tilesey-He”’s brilliant at it! It really depends what mood I”’m in. Sometimes I like firm gropes and nibbling other times I like gentle cupping and kissing and licking.
WD: Do you take life as seriously fun or funnily serious?
CB: I’m sorry I’m awkward. Both! Generally I take life as seriously fun but at times funnily serious. Hearing about you choking on a breast and getting James to stroke you, I found seriously funny.
WD: Ahem. I am very thankful you didn’t muddle up those to incidents! Now, how about some afternoon tea with scone and cream…
CB: *Grabbing her breasts and squeezing them together whilst fluttering her eylids* Is this where how I made the movement you said I did?
WD: *Gasps and drools* Thank you for giving me some blogger-on-blogger experience… *ahem*
