A one-off feature, The Curious Case of the Theater Vigilante played in a Philadelpha movie house this weekend:

This was inevitable. One day someone was bound to get so angry that they’d shoot someone because they wouldn’t shut up during a movie. I know I’ve felt like doing that sometimes, but I’m sane enough to stop before my actions become violent and I don’t own a gun anyway. The story of the weekend (via The Philadelphia Inquirer) involves one James Joseph Cialella Jr., a 29 year old moviegoer who was attending a showing of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button on Christmas Day in Philadelphia. When a father and son sitting in front of him wouldn’t stop talking during the movie, including after Cialella angrily threw popcorn at them, he presumed to get up and shoot the father in the arm with a Kel-Tec .380 handgun.

Following the shooting, Cialella sat down in a completely empty theater and proceeded to thoroughly enjoy the rest of the movie, which will be his last for quite awhile. Cialella has been charged with all sorts of felonies & misdemeanors, including attempted murder; aggravated assault; simple assault; recklessly endangering another person and weapons violations. Next Up: The inevitable sequel concerns this “sad look at the current state of movie theaters.”

Excuse me while I puke.

Hey, I don’t think this is necessarily a reflection of movie theaters but more of an indicator of society as a whole. Movie theaters have always concerned me — darkened rooms where a culprit for any sort of crime cannot easily be identified and resident employees who cannot even give a rat’s ass about how long I fucking wait in line for their overpriced concessions — these are reason enough to fear for one’s safety. However, I’m not gonna let this fear interfere with the pleasure of watching movies, and one gunman won’t change that. However, this will likely lead to hysterical calls for heightened security protocols. I do believe that metal detectors are not the answer. Those will only jack up the ticket/concession prices even more than their already astronomical levels… especially for today’s economy. Price gouging was the brilliant response of the post office did in response to anthrax threats, and I (and millions of others) no longer bother to physically mail a letter, which only shifts the burden to the consumers who remain. So, fuck the prophylactic measures that will suck all the remaining fun out of theaters, and it won’t solve the underlying problem. People are rude everywhere, so let’s not fuck up the theaters just to “fix” one fucking sociopath’s problem. Fix society, bitches.

Only One Issue Remains: Jennifer Aniston’s (shamelessly publicized) film may have outsold Brad Pitt’s (largely unpromoted) flick on Xmas, but did anyone care enough about Aniston’s film to actually shoot someone for talking in the theater? Well, no…. but I wanted to shoot myself while watching Marley & Me. That should count for something.