Never mind the Black Pearl, the real curse is what happens to Johnny Depp’s women when he’s through with them, routinely running afoul of the law, abusing pharmaceuticals, & appearing on Friends.

Sherilyn Fenn: Aka Suzi Quatro’s niece. Former Playboy Bunny who also dated Prince. Post-Depp, Fenn foolishly turned down Twin Peak’s spinoff series about her character. Committed career suicide with atrocious faux-art flop Boxing Helena (a film also injurious to Kim Basinger’s career).  Current career summed up by latest role: Lulu Hogg in Dukes of Hazzard prequel. Friends factor: The One With Phoebe’s Ex-Partner.

Jennifer Grey: Uncharacteristically bland for a Depp flame, Grey had one hit, Dirty Dancing, on which she’s been coasting for 20 years. Committed career suicide with badly botched nose-jobs which left her unrecognizable, inspired short-lived sitcom It’s Like, You Know. Married to equally bland Clark Gregg, who plays Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ ex on her new sitcom. Friends factor: The One with the Evil Orthodontist.

Winona Ryder: Once-promising career derailed badly post-Depp, playing an android in Alien IV. Psychiatric hospital stay 1991; abrupt withdrawal from Godfather III forced Sofia Coppola on unwitting world. Charged with shoplifting thousands of dollars’ worth of expensive crap at Saks. During the trial, it was revealed that Ryder had up to 37 prescriptions filled by 20 doctors using 6 different aliases. Convicted of 2 felonies, later reduced to misdemeanors. Friends factor: The One With Rachel’s Big Kiss.  (Bonus points - Courtney Love: "You’re no one in music until you have feuded with me or until you sleep with Winona".)

Kate Moss: Psychiatric hospital stay 1998, attributed to substance abuse which she blamed on depression over Depp breakup. Once said she had never walked a catwalk sober, even at 10 in the morning. Smokes over 80 cigarettes a day. Became involved with sexless leprechaun Pete Doherty, & picture of her snurfling lines was splashed across the tabloids.  She quickly lost a slew of endorsements, but quickly gained them back. Also plagued by skanky lesbo rumors.  Prognosis: more trouble ahead. Friends factor: none known, may have shagged Courtney Cox.