Let me preface this by saying perhaps this should have been split into two postings, but Joseph Lickertysplitt is literally in flux, so I seize the moment(s). Anyway, it was inevitable from a friendship between two loudmouthed types, this would be the most voluminous blogger-on-blogger installment. After several questions unfortunately had to meet the cutting room floor, this is as minimalistic as editing could take us….
Oh Bloody Fucking Hell, Joseph Lickertysplitt Can Talk…
So who exactly is Joseph Lickertysplitt? Oh many many things–writer, friend, musician, flirt, philosopher, scholar, Irish bloke in England–and most importantly in my opinion, misunderstood by some. For those who have been, for lack of a better term, blessed to get to know him, he is utterly unique and fiercely loyal. When you’re as talented as he is though (listen to his music and you shall see), people forget that he is still above all, human as can be….
Interrogator: So Joseph Lickertysplitt… your life has been more eventful than anyone could wish for. Out of all of the work, play, travel, tragedy, and laughter, what has been the happiest year of your life thus far?
Joseph Lickertysplitt: 2005. Bugger me (not literally) that’s next year! I guess the best is yet to come… Actually anything pre this summer pretty much sucked in my life (with a few highlights I will treasure) but things have got better and better in recent days.
Interrogator: What is your deepest regret?
Joseph Lickertysplitt: Not meeting the close friends I have now much sooner in life and not getting to say goodbye to those who slipped away.
Interrogator: Good start, but let’s dispel some myths, why don’t we? (wink) What’s one taboo belief society pours on you that you rebel against?
Joseph Lickertysplitt: Living in England, it would have to be drinking cups of tea. Tea drinking seems something of an anal-istic [sic] institution over here. Give me a latte. Give me a blow job. Leave the tea at home.
Interrogator: So you don’t "fancy a cuppa"… oh that’s right….that Leukocyte crap. (Will snickers.) That joke is still funny the second time around I see…. which is why I so enjoy these conversations. So for those who are blessed enough to–ahem–not know, tell again of your Lucozade adventures.
Joseph Lickertysplitt: I get high on the sports energy drink, Lucozade. I do silly (read – drunk) things on high levels of this stuff. There should be a warning on the label: DO NOT drink more than FIVE bottles [at one sitting]… the last time I drank vast amounts of the stuff I ended calling loads of people on the phone because I was so high people thought, "He’s stoned!"
Interrogator: Hah. Indeed you did act quite oddly, even in your writings you seemed manic. So onto blogging and the perceptions that lie within–what is your take on blogrolling, that is, those blogs you link to and how you categorize them? How much does it affect you whether and how you are linked on your favorite blogs?
Joseph Lickertysplitt: Doesn’t bother me but does amuse me to see how people react to where their blog is listed. Myself and a couple of other bloggers I’m friendly with (nudge) conducted some experiments on how people react. Thankfully those I think highly of reacted well and are total [storm]troopers! (Sadie groans) When I started blogging it was interesting to see how people ranked or rated me but to be honest I’m only interested in what THEY have to say in their blog not what they say about ME in a sidebar. I link to those blogs I enjoy and those people that keep me entertained or provide me with valuable insight into life.
Often and more recently, I am a silent reader on blogs only commenting on a subject that really moves me in one direction or the other. It doesn’t mean I’m lurking or not reading… yet some people I have found to take offense at this approach. I don’t believe should blog is there to get comments… if you always want comments on your blogged thoughts then start a forum-based blog. I’ve even witnessed comment begging from bloggers. Sad. Blog for yourself, enjoy what you are writing.
Interrogator: Certainly I have been guilty of the occasional comment-begging post. It’s just so inversely proportional to what the writer expects…. like on the occasions when i write things that are near and dear to my psyche…and it’s like "enjoy the silence." Then I put up some frivolous thing about, say, THONGS, which starts a firestorm. Know what I mean?
Joseph Lickertysplitt: You know me… I’ve always been supportive of any and all subjects you write because we tend to think in very similar ways. (At least, that is what the voices in my head keep reassuring me with.) I know what you mean… but you need to remember that thongs are still very controversial – even in the 21st century… after all how can so little hide so much… Gentlemen, we have the next wonder of the world right there inside your girlfriend’s pants. Now, as I have a degree in Archaeology I think it is only fair proper that I go explore this newly discovered wonder of the world… (Grins devillishly)
Interrogator: Right right pervert…. any additions to the blog topic?
Joseph Lickertysplitt: I’ve recently taken a mini-break from blogging and the last 10 days or so has seen my blog go a little quiet (I will be back soon) and it happened at a time when I was getting a large amount of feedback either via IMs, comments on the blog page or via email. i feel that it was a good time to just take a break because it wasn’t as a reaction to external things or blog issues, but an honest moment in my life where I have begun to re-evaluate some important things in my life. Shit – you just opened pandora’s box with that question, eh?
Interrogator: Oh yes…well it shall all come out eventually on your blog. So let’s shift gears and hear what game Joseph Lickertysplitt plays when he dates.
Joseph Lickertysplitt: Assuming you are talking about what I think you are then I’d say the game i’d play is The Chase & Tease. It’s always fun, keeps it lively and sexually stimulating 24/7.
Interrogator: OOhhhh. I love this next part….
….Numbers please…. how many hearts have you broken?
Joseph Lickertysplitt: If i answered "one" it is one more than i ever wanted to… Rainy calls me a heart breaker, I dunno. Life is fragile, and I’m a klutz so probably far too many.
Interrogator: Kissing… how many girls have had the pleasure?
Joseph Lickertysplitt: It’s not that i’d brag to say i can’t remember or have lost count… but i’ve kissed a lot for one reason or another whether it was in a play, at a party, for a dare or on a date… If you’d asked how many girls have I kissed that are truly memorable… now that would have been a better question.
Interrogator: OKAY. How many truly memorable???
Joseph Lickertysplitt: Five. (Another grin) You want names?
Interrogator: Nope, that won’t be necessary… now have you liplocked with a dude?
Joseph Lickertysplitt: Oh hell. Do I get a veto?
Interrogator: No fucking way. We don’t do vetoes like you MYT pussies…heh heh. C’mon. Give it up.
Joseph Lickertysplitt: One. No tongue. No comment.
Interrogator: Oooh. Consider yourself cooked…so I’ll turn off that grill. Now…. hehe… what is your ideal date….with a woman?
Joseph Lickertysplitt: (flustered but regains composure) This fantastic French restaurant on the coast of the south of France. It would be dinner there with a drop dead gorgeous intelligent chick from the USA, a sunset walk along the beach, a spot of intimate dancing and some tender loving through the night…
Interrogator: Tender loving??? Excuse me while i go puke. (Intermission for a few minutes….) Okay…now that I’ve cleared that image, do go on, Rhett Butler.
Joseph Lickertysplitt: (not missing a beat) Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn. Funny you should say that, I have always been a fan of Clark Gable. I watched Run Silent, Run Deep the other day (he’s in it with Burt Lancaster – another fine actor). Wes was initially excited when he saw the title of the movie… He became disappointed though within moments when he released it wasn’t a gay porn film… still, it WAS about sailors and, ahem, seamen, so all was not lost for him.
Interrogator: Poor poor Wes, you’re merciless to the fellow, and as such, I can’t fucking believe I had to inform you of the meaning of gaydar. Now. Let’s focus on your vanity, shall we? (winks) How many beauty or health products do you use on a daily basis?
Joseph Lickertysplitt: Shed loads. I’m a clean freak. I carry my toothbrush everywhere. I’m a health product junkie.
Interrogator: INSUFFICIENT. Let me ask this a different way… Have you ever stayed home from work or a social event because you were having a "bad hair day"? Or "bad nail day"?
Joseph Lickertysplitt: Hahahha. No, I’ve never stayed home from work on a bad hair day that I can remember, though I’m open to correction if someone knows different. I’d just wear a hat to cover the bad hair moment. As for the nail thing (for those that don’t know I have acrylic nails on my right hand as I’m a guitarist)… I was late to work once because of such a situation when I had to go see my technician to get them fixed.
Interrogator: Will, darling, the nail thing is quite gay… but I’ll let you redeem your masculinity. If you could script the basic plot for the dream you will have tonight, what would the story be?
Joseph Lickertysplitt: It would involve a Minnesotan chick called Tris, a private balcony and a lot of sex. It would also feature some cameo appearance from Liz (so she can just talk to me and turn me on with her voice), Sadie (because every dream needs an Ally McBeal), and my hair stylist (who just left me for another job placement after FOUR fucking years of awesomeness. She just *knew* how to do my head *ahem*). Oh, and for the commercial break in the dream I think we could have the following four commercials:
[1] Silk watching Leon fall over and lose another leg whilst she promotes lube.
[2] The Instructional How-To video on how to chop down trees using a machete with special guest "Don’t try this at home kids"….Tilesey.
[3] Cellie on a pink lilo in the crystal waters of the Caribbean advertising a holiday out there.
[4] Jamesy advertising beer by him sitting on a couch and saying: "Take two bottles into the shower? Not me, I just sit on my ARSE and drink beer."
….I know, I need help.
Interrogator: Okay the friends and past lovers dilemma… are the two states mutually exclusive? Obviously your experience in this is that they can coexist…
Joseph Lickertysplitt: The golden rule is to establish where things are before you date and after you date. It’s actually very easy if you are adult about it. Problem is a lot of people are childish about such matters. Yes, you feel pain, yes you feel hurt, go on a break if you need to, but don’t lose someone who is a good friend over a misjudged relationship. That’s not to say you remain best friends with all exes. Some of them you need to get the fuck away from! I’m just talking about those that were best friends before can remain afterwards. I trust both Laura and CK (two ex’s I live with for those not in the know) with my life. Of course, Laura abused that recently in an [accidental] attempt to beat me to death with a nine-iron, but I have just about forgiven her for that.
Interrogator: And another fact many know of you, but few understand–the obsession with Ally McBeal….
Joseph Lickertysplitt: I love Ally. I want to father babies. Well, not the dancing ones. (laughs) I am also a strong fan of John and Richard (who’s Fishisms inspire me). For some reason, when I started watching Ally, everyone would say "I don’t understand it" and with me, I did. Ok, so I’m weird, but I found an emotional attachment with the characters. They had a great way of showing peoples faults a quirks as both good and bad. For all of someone’s bad quirks, there is always a counter balance of good. It’s the karma of life. I cannot believe people don’t love this show like I do. It’s fucking hilarious and mindless… trying to understand it is a no-no.
Interrogator: What is Joseph Lickertysplitt’s take on the difference between flirting and cheating?
Joseph Lickertysplitt: Cheating is crossing the line. (stops speaking…apparently thinking he’s made his point…)
(Sadie clears throat in exaggerated manner…. Joseph Lickertysplitt gets the point and begins to speak again.)
Flirting is about interacting with people, having fun and enjoying life. The perfect scenario (one that I have experienced and I am currently experiencing) I am happy for my girlfriend to flirt as much as she wants with a guy, she’s happy for me to flirt with a girl. But touching/groping/making out with/sleeping with are all no-no’s from either party and means someone has crossed the line. Play with the mind, nothing more….
What is weird is that people have problems with a two friends kissing–a "hello/goodbye my friend" kiss, or a "congratulations on achieving that job" kiss, or a "mistletoe traditional" kiss–or even hugging–what the fuck? Watching a movie huddled together is always fun and neither of these or the kisses listed are sexual in the slightest. Get over it, that’s just being socially polite. The line is crossed once hands begin to go walkies, minds start to undress and you end up doing stuff that you know if the girlfriend walked in you’d have a hard time explaining. Flirting is about style, charm and class. Cheating is about crass, cheap ways of getting thrills and only ends up hurting people.
(Sadie nods, as she knows Will is an incredibly skilled flirt.)
At MYT, we always greet each other with a kiss (or a slap if it’s Wes) and can occasionally be seen bundled together on the couch watching TV. We behave that way when none of us are in a relationship and don’t think anything about it, why, when we are seeing someone, would we suddenly be getting sexual thoughts about the flatmate? It doesn’t make sense. If I date someone, I’ll be faithful to them and let them know when feelings are no longer there. I won’t cheat because I know what it feels like to be cheated on. Trust is the key.
For me, flirting is part of my personality, i don’t do it for anything other than that is just how i interact with people. If the girlfriend doesn’t like that she shouldn’t date me. However, there are some people with bad intent when they flirt, you can spot them a mile off and they are so obvious. Shut them down before they let their ego kick in.
(WARNING: SHAMELESS PLUG COMING! Heh heh. Bygones.) Whilst I’m here–chewing up blogspace–I’d also like to point out how my -isms work in such situations. You will often hear me refer to girls as "darling", "sweetie", "sweetheart", "babe", "honey" and so on… it is merely just part of my Irish language and it is spoken without even thinking… the girfriend may also be referred to with those terms… but she gets to hear other things which others don’t hear… 
Interrogator: If you were to be recognized by posterity for one thing, what would you like to be known for?
Joseph Lickertysplitt: Handel once said to the King about his music: "My lord, I do not wish to merely entertain them. I wish to make them better" That has always been my outlook. My music is my life. Take that away from me and I’m just an Irish wit bag that will drain society… which is pretty much the definition of any musician anyway.
Interrogator: Speaking of music, any news on that front?
Joseph Lickertysplitt: Yeah, major changes coming soon and I could get my ass kicked for saying too much. I can say though that the album which was due for release in November has been put back until sometime in January as my new record label are going to be running the show. It won’t be releasing first in the UK now but actually over in the USofA followed by a release in Europe later on.
People in Europe will be able to buy it online – and yes, Jamesy, you still get your free copy. I’m off to Holland with my guitar for this weekend for a couple of bar gigs which will be fun, but come the new year, with the release of the album, there will be extensive gigging across the East coast of the states, starting in Tampa, Florida where my record label is based. Now can we get to the bloody fucking sex questions?
Interrogator:Haha…gladly. Always gladly. What is the best way to initiate a first kiss?
Joseph Lickertysplitt: Move a little closer and then hesitate. Always works
Interrogator: Five most underrated erogenous zones on a woman?
Joseph Lickertysplitt: I think 99% of them are underrated… (smiles)
Interrogator: What do you never say after sex?
Interrogator: Ok, so how much do I owe you?
Interrogator: What do you always say after sex?
Joseph Lickertysplitt: Thank god that condom didn’t split with *that* move. Hahaha. Kidding! Real answer: Those who get the chance will have to wait and see… it’s all part of my Irish way
Interrogator: What is the biggest mistake a woman can make in bed?
Joseph Lickertysplitt: Fake it.
Interrogator: What is the biggest mistake a man can make in bed?
Joseph Lickertysplitt: Leave his socks on… bwahaha!!!
Interrogator: What is the best music for sex?
Joseph Lickertysplitt: Something Latino if its a wild fuck, or something sensual for making love. Either way, it must have NO lyrics else I’m fucked and will start singing along… Hahahha.
Interrogator: How much noise is too much noise?
Joseph Lickertysplitt: Anything about 110 decibels.
Interrogator: If your woman has low self-esteem about her body, how do you boost her morale?
Joseph Lickertysplitt: Buy her a hat? Just kidding. Make her know that her body is loved by loving it and emjoying it.
Interrogator: Is it worse for a woman to fake an orgasm or obviously not climax?
Joseph Lickertysplitt: Worse to fake it. In fact, just dont, the guy will never learn otherwise.
Interrogator: Absofuckinlutely!! Can you have a good relationship if the sex is just okay, not great?
Joseph Lickertysplitt: Sure. You just get a mistress… again, kidding, for all you fucks out there that take me too seriously.
Interrogator: If you have bad sex with a woman three times, but you’re still attracted to her, is there hope for continuing?
Joseph Lickertysplitt: Sure if she is hot, cute and can make great conversation…
Interrogator: And finally…. Bad sex is mostly due to what?
Joseph Lickertysplitt: Not knowing what to do when the couple involved are at different skill levels. Suck it up and work it through for fook’s sake. Bygones. Mwah to you Sadie… see you in bed later…..
