Our first interview in the Bloggers on Bloggers feature: Kilgore Trout of Chaotic Not Random.
Interrogator: Heyyyy KT. Beginnings are awkward…so let’s begin in that sense–What is your earliest memory? If by chance this searing memory is actually your birth, could you tell us about it?
Kilgore: I have a jumbled haze of childhood memories that I can’t possibly date. The earliest I can remember for sure is from when I was four years old, and I had a huge presexual crush on the preschool teacher. Thus began my career of unrequited lust…
Interrogator: What is your take on confessional blogging, that is, those who "bare their souls" online? Are these people shamelessly pitiful, or to a certain degree, are they actually worthy of respect?
Kilgore: The issue to me isn’t whether confessional bloggers are shameless or pitiful, but whether they write material that other people might find compelling. Do you write well? Is your writing funny, or informative, or interesting, or otherwise entertaining? Or are you just dumping a steaming load of self-absorbed caterwauling into the blogosphere?
You could classify a fair portion of my blog as "confessional." But I try to write that stuff in a way that makes people laugh or say, "I know exactly what he’s talking about."
Interrogator: If you have a personal issue or problem, whom do you call first, family or friends? And why?
Kilgore: I keep my problems to myself until they become unbearable. I’ve always been that way — when I was a little kid I burned myself with the cigarette lighter in my mom’s car and hid the injury until it got infected.
There’s something to be said for stoicism, but I should learn to open up more. When I do discuss my problems, I usually talk to my friends first because my family is small and lives out of state. I see my friends more often and they’re more familiar with my day-to-day life.
Interrogator: It is a well-known fact that men classify their successful dates into women for dating/sex only and women who qualify as girlfriend material. This of course varies with each man. As the mysterious and rogueish Kilgore, your standards allude me. In your opinion, exactly what type of girl has this potential?
Kilgore: "Girlfriend material"… well, the usual stuff, of course: smart, funny, easy-going, and so forth. Low-maintenance, not hung up on money or possessions. Independent and respects my need for time alone. Must be willing to consider not having children. I like women who are unconventional and dorky and appreciate those traits in me… someone who wants to play Trivial Pursuit or go to a high school football game on a Friday night instead of strutting at the clubs.
Interrogator: Each person has a dating game they play. These games may be conscious or unconscious, and they may be voluntary or (a qualified) involuntary. In addtion, these might be truly dispicable scemes that cause harm to the other party or perhaps just innocent defense mechanisms that cause little or no harm. What is your game in a dating relationship? (Everyone has a game, and if you deny this…that is a game as well).
Kilgore: I play the game of pretending to be less interested than I really am — waiting three days to call, not calling the day after a date, stuff like that. I do it even more if I can tell she’s into me. It’s pretty retarded.
Interrogator: How much of your blog material is from real-life experience, and how much is just you "making shit up?"
Kilgore: Everything that I present as real-life experience is just that — real-life experience. So much silly stuff happens in real life that there’s no reason to "make shit up" for my blog. I carry a little notebook with me everywhere, and when I have a blogging idea, I jot it down. I’d only post twice a week if it weren’t for that notebook.
I did post a hyperbolic breakup story once that I thought people would recognize as fiction because it was so over-the-top, but some readers mistook it as real. That’s the only time that’s happened that I know of.
Not that you asked, but I faked orgasm once. This happened when I went to bed with a hot little coffee shop waitress in San Francisco. She mounted me and started humping and wailing and shrieking like a banshee on Spanish Fly. I couldn’t follow suit, unfortunately, because her vagina was… well, think Grand Canyon. Think Panama Canal. Occasionally I caught some friction when my penis clanged off one of the sides, but mostly I just watched, a spectator in my own sex act.
After an hour or so of playing along in various positions, I gave up and "came." It wasn’t much of an acting performance, and I doubt I fooled her. I buried the condom underneath some trash in the bathroom so she wouldn’t notice it was empty.
Interrogator: By the way, that hyperbolic breakup essay is damn good…especially with all the "obvious metaphors" that you used very explicitly. Can’t understand why people didn’t get that you were satirizing. Hmmm. Speaking of explicit, no doubt you’re aware that I’m an insanely huge fan of Quentin Tarantino….and you have made it clear that you hated Volume One of Kill Bill, and you pretty much refuse to see Volume Two. What would it take for you to willingly watch Volume Two? Heh…
Kilgore: A bribe of fellatio from Patricia Heaton.
Interrogator: Oral sex from Patricia Heaton? Would you prefer her dentures in or out? Do you need "Tool Time" in the background or not?
Kilgore: I think you have your TV mom Patricias mixed up. The mom on "Home Improvement" was Patricia Richardson, not Patricia Heaton, who is the mom in "Everybody Loves Raymond." She’s only 46, so I doubt dentures would be an issue… but if they were, I’d say take ‘em out — I don’t want to get snagged on any wires.
Interrogator: Ahhh. Duly noted, and I suppose I could use a television trivia refresher course soon. Ahem….Next question. Bloggers have ups and downs and plateaus in their writing, and it is rare for blogs to be updated regularly and last a year like yours has. What are your best and worst moments in your past year or so of blogging? When you have writer’s block, how do you overcome it?
Kilgore: When I started blogging, I tried to post every day. I quickly realized I wasn’t that creative and dropped back to five posts a week, and then four, which is where I am now. A lot of bloggers go like gangbusters out of the gate, burn themselves out, and their blogs die after a few months. You need to know your creative limits and pace yourself.
I write my best posts when I get those great ideas out of nowhere and I can sit down and bang it out in twenty minutes. But those moments are rare and unpredictable and I can’t depend on them. So I avoid writer’s block by carrying a notebook everywhere and jotting down ideas and observations when I have them. That way, when ideas are scarce I have material to draw on. When I do get writer’s block, I can usually get through it by brainstorming, given enough time. The problem is getting enough time!
Interrogator: If you could live the life of any five bloggers (famous or obscure) for a day, which ones would you choose?
Kilgore: Five? BLOGGERS?? Gah, I can’t think of any. Well, maybe Skippy. I could spend the day touring the Hockey Hall of Fame and popping powerful psychotropic medication.
Interrogator: Whoa…you mean you wouldn’t want to be Michele Malkin for a day? Then you could sit around and feel yourself up, and it would make Skippy jealous!
Kilgore: I don’t read the big dog blogs, so I couldn’t relate to the question. But if I was Michele Malkin for a day, I would spend the day taking naked pictures of myself before throwing myself into a grain thresher.
Interrogator: So…. you’re a Kurt Vonnegut fan. Briefly explain how you stumbled upon his work and what appeals to you most about his writings. As a side note, what did you eat this morning, and what is KT the blogger’s "Breakfast of Champions"?
Kilgore: Like most people, I first read Vonnegut in high school, starting with "Breakfast of Champions" and then "Cat’s Cradle" and "Slaughterhouse-Five" and some novel about a prison breakout. I thought he was funny and unique and had a sharp eye for ridiculous detail. I haven’t read any Vonnegut for a while, but I’ve always thought "Kilgore Trout" was the funniest fiction name I’d ever encountered.
I overslept this morning, so I had the #2 at McDonald’s (bacon, egg & cheese biscuit; hash browns; and a small Coke.) Usually I eat cereal.
Interrogator: Okay…random completion time…here are a few for you…I’m gonna go grab a drink….
Kilgore: All I need is success.
Love is acceptance.
I dream of Jeannie. (I don’t remember my dreams, actually.)
I daydream about a successful writing career.
Elvis man or Beatles Man? Oh, gross. That’s like choosing between crucifixion and burning at the stake.
Interrogator: Heh…you’re a trooper…stormtrooper more like. So here we go with a final round of sexy questions, since we are at the House of Mirth. Ready, KT?
(Kilgore nods and cracks knuckles in characteristically hyperbolic fashion
Interrogator: Right. What is the best way to initiate a first kiss?
Kilgore: Best advice my mother ever gave me: "Never tell a woman you’re going to kiss her. Just kiss her." I usually smile, put a finger under her chin, and lean right in.
Interrogator: Omigod… your mom gave you sex tips? NO way. Of course, if a guy did the smile/finger under chin thing to me, I’d likely faint.
Kilgore: Leave it to you to turn a very sweet anecdote into something filthy! No, my mom and I didn’t exchange rimming or oral sex tips. She gave me the kissing advice when we were watching "Cheers" and Frasier told Lilith he was going to kiss her.
Interrogator: Five most underrated erogenous zones on a woman?
Kilgore: Belly, chest just above each breast, arch of the foot, toes, the sides and back right around the kidneys.
Interrogator: What do you never say after sex?
Kilgore: "Do you need cab fare to get home?"
Interrogator: What do you always say after sex?
Kilgore: "Is it okay if I get some cereal?" (Only partly joking.)
Interrogator: What is the biggest mistake a woman can make in bed?
Kilgore: Not initiating oral sex. This is part of the standard repertoire now, folks. Your partner shouldn’t have to ask for it.
Interrogator: What is the biggest mistake a man can make in bed?
Kilgore: See above.
Interrogator: Smartass. What is the best music for sex?
Kilgore: Who needs music for sex? If you’re doing it right, you should be making your own music.
Interrogator: How much noise is too much noise?
Kilgore: Any amount is okay, as long as it’s spontaneous and sincere. But try to be considerate of the neighbors, please.
Interrogator: Is it worse for a woman to fake an orgasm or obviously not climax?
Kilgore: Don’t fake it, whether you’re a man or a woman. If it’s not going to happen, stop and tell your partner what you need, or ask if it’s okay to jerk yourself off. Only very insecure people will mind. Some people will enjoy watching.
Interrogator: Can you have a good relationship if the sex is just okay, not great?
Kilgore: Sure, if the rest of the relationship is solid. Sex isn’t *that* important.
Interrogator: If you have bad sex with a woman three times, but you’re still attracted to her, is there hope for continuing?
Kilgore: Probably. It depends on the reasons for the bad sex, and the willingness of both partners to work on solutions.
Interrogator: Bad sex is mostly due to what?
Kilgore: Either bad chemistry or lack of will or enthusiasm on the part of either or both partners.
Interrogator: If your woman has low self-esteem about her body, how do you boost her morale?
Kilgore: Tell her she’s beautiful. Touch her and kiss her in the places you like. Purchase gobs of pornography and say, "I love how you don’t look like any of these women."
