Lindsay Lohan is well on the way to becoming an American version of Pete Doherty, if Pete Doherty were female, preferred the rush of cocaine to the dial-tone buzz of heroin, and had gotten his start playing with the Wiggles. All right, maybe that’s not the best analogy. But the salient point here is that Lindsay’s pratfalls come so fast and furious that I can’t even write about her misadventures as fast as she has them. She’s like Joyce Carol Oates, if Oates had sleazy one-night stands instead of writing novels, and…. Oh, forget it. Anyway, here’s a brief recap of what’s happening in and around Lindsay:

The weekend got rolling on Thursday, when Lindsay and her steady boyfriend Harry Morton broke up (or didn’t break up) after yet another in their continuing series of fights. Word is that Harry got fed up with Lindsay’s lunatic, possessive jealousy; also, Lohan’s lifestyle was a little too hectic for Harry. Whether the break-up happened before or after Lindsay crashed a Paris Hilton party where Brandon Davis got punched out is unclear.

The next day, Lindsay was strolling around drinking a nice can of Rehab (instead of her usual tipple) while she plotted her revenge on Harry. Little did she know that at that very moment, 8,000 miles away, two of her fellow female trainwrecks were forming a sinister, anti-Lindsay bond. Apparently Charlotte Church is so ignorant of American culture (or culture generally, really) that she thought having Ashlee Simpson as a guest would class up her unfolding disaster of a talk show. Ashlee, meanwhile, had the equally pathetic belief that chatting with the Queen of the Chavs would somehow generate good publicity for her upcoming stint in the London production of Chicago. The two got along famously, and spent a good chunk of the show trashing Lindsay. (You can see a YouTube video of this transatlantic skankfest here).

By Saturday, Lindsay had concocted a brilliant plan to win Harry back while putting Paris Hilton’s knickers in a twist. She’d go to Dragonfly and hook up with Stavros Niarchos (who seems to be the designated Petri dish in the little game of STD Round Robin that Lindsay and Paris are playing). Leaving the club, Lindsay took a moment to tell her usual entourage of paparazzi to FOAD.

Meanwhile, Mischa Barton and Nick Lachey had a few choice comments about the Lohan/Hilton/Davis celebrity mud-wrestling pit they’ve both recently exited. But Lindsay’s still floundering in the mire, so expect to see more updates like these.