The Straight White Guy Interview

By Bedhead in Vintage Interviews Past


Scotch, Storytelling, and the Southern Gent

This interview surprised the holy hell out of me in its detail, and this is after cutting out a few repetitive questions. Indeed I know more than I did before about this fellow…Oh how to introduce him…hmm. Eric writes Straight White Guy  (SWG), and he’s perfectly okay with Sadie dubbing him as Straight White Cabana Boy, so obviously he grasps the concept of irony. Also, he’s a scotch conoisseur and an Elvis man, as opposed to a Beatles man. Oh, and his writing style is oh-so-unique….here’s how he began a posting  recently:

… this morning has dawned dark and dreary…. a steady downpour of slow rain from gray clouds…. the Witch of November is here, people… and, she’s not a happy camper….

and how he ended  another posting: 

.. so, if anyone wants to make the trip to beat me, meet me, eat me, or treat me,

now is your chance…. this is a one shot deal, children…. make the

best of it…. you may never get this chance again…. after all, I

shall be totally unarmed…. and, anyway….

Interrogator: On that note…this interview must begin. The Mirthful Ones often write about dating and sex. Eric, you’re the very first married interviewee, so maybe you can give a tip or two to the single folk. What do you think the difference is between girlfriend material and wife material?

Eric: For me, they have always been the same… I have never dated anyone

that I didn’t think could be "the one"… I’ve never been a player…

and, with few exceptions, every time I’ve consummated the act, I was

honestly interested in a long-term relationship with the woman… so,

sorry to disappoint, Sadie…. girlfriend material, and wife material

are the same for me…. that being said, a good shag in an alley with a

total stranger…well, sometimes it happens…

Interrogator: So when you were a single guy, what "game" did you play with women?

Sorry, Sadie… I don’t play games… what you see is what you get…

Interrogator: Nope, wrong answer. Oh you won’t get off that easy…c’mon fess up. (taps foot impatiently)

Eric: (slightly flustered) Well, I tend to try to be overly polite to the one I am

interested in… overly polite, but not flirty, I suppose. Is that a

game? Being lustful brings out the gentleman in me…

Interrogator: So what is this Southern Gentlemanly charm that I’ve heard of?

Eric: I think it all resides in Respect… a Southern

Gentleman respects a Lady… you may, of course, take that however you

wish… but, rest assured, you will be protected and honored

inpublic… treated as a Queen… in private, tis a different matter…

you will be TREATED to things you know not of… yet…. it is the very

nature of Southern Chivalry to keep such things private…. 

Interrogator: So how much of your writing material is from personal experience, and how much is merely "making shit up?"

Eric: I have never made upa blog entry…

I am not a "creative writer"… my blog is more of a

journal.. and, as such, I use it so that I can remember later what kind

of crazy shit I was doing or thinking at a certain time…. if you see

something under the category of SWG Story… then, it is 100% true…

I’ve been a lot of places… and, done a lot of crazy stuff… Hell, I

don’t have a good enough imagination to make some of this crap up…

heh… so, it MUST be true..

Interrogator: So how did you get your start in life…I mean, besides the obvious. What is your earliest memory?

Eric: ..I have two… and, I’m not sure which is earlier… one of them is

of cutting my thumb with a pocketknife.. my Uncle had given me a small

knife for my birthday.. I was about five.. my Father was cleaning up some

fallen trees on our farm, and I was nearby playing with my new knife..

my Dad saw me cut myself, but I was too embarrassed to tell him….

after a few minutes, he came over and checked on me… he stopped what

he was doing, and drove me up to my Grandpa’s house where Grandma

hooked me up with a Band-Aid and a glass of iced tea…. Dad went back

to work.. he often recounted that story to me….

Interrogator: Iced tea…was this "sweet tea," and why do Southerners love that stuff so much? (Sadie, raised by Italians, doesn’t get it.) Blecccch, please explain that attraction.

Eric: Good question, yes, it was sweet tea… a true

Southern delicacy… the attraction of it to Southernfolk cannot be

underestimated.. sweet iced tea is the poorman’s lemonade.. the

appeal? Well, first off, we have ourselves some HOT weather down

here.. a cool, sweet glass of tea is a perfect remedy for a long day

toting those barges, and liftin’ those bales… as is a large tumbler of

Scotch, incidentally….. secondly, I reckon that tea was a cheap

alternative to lemonade back in the day… us poor, downtrodden

Southernfolk, had to just make due with what we had… and, lastly, if

you’ve tried it, and not liked it… then, the tea obviously wasn’t made

by a delicate Southern Belle…

(returning to the topic at hand) The other memory is of finding an anthill behind my house… (adopts serious tone) I watched them for hours.. coming and going from their home… searching the grass for food… so, I went inside and opened up a bottle of Tylenol, and grabbed a few… you know the ones… way back in the day, they were capsules that contained millions of little medicine beads… anyway, I took them to the anthill, and cracked them open… those little ants immediately started dragging them down into their hole… when I went to check on them the next day, all the ants were gone…

Interrogator: (in mock horror) Omigod! So you killed the ants…what was your reaction? 

Eric: At first, I was confused… it had been a lot of fun watching them

carry the little red & white beads around.. little did I know it

would murder them… anyway, after I figured out what had happened, I

went off in search of another anthill.

Interrogator: Hmm ooookay…lack of remorse as a child. (grins) So if you are troubled about something nowadays, where do you gather support?

Eric: I usually go off by myself… my deck faces towards a hardwood

forest… so, I’ll pour myself a drink, and head out back… sit a

while, and think.. if, after a few hours of that, I still can’t fathom

the answer, I will call one of my friends… many of my Wednesday night

crew are great friends…and, some are family too… they are always a

good sounding board.. but, I usually find that I can figure out my own

course of actions by myself… if you know where you are… what you

want… and, what is important to you… you don’t need to run it by

anyone else…

Interrogator: Recently, you, Velociman, and several other delinquents held a Blogtoberfest. Did this live up to your preconceived notions?

Eric: A drunken party to the end.. yes.. it was great.. so many

bloggers in once place makes for a fun time… everyone in attendance

liked to grab life by the collar, and shake it into submission… I met

some old friends, and some new ones… and, I didn’t stab anyone.. the

punching doesn’t count.. Aubrey bit me first… so, he deserved it…

Interrogator: About the Greco-Roman wrestling….what was this shrinkage you mentioned?

Eric: We didn’t get a chance to wrestle in Helen…

besides, the water in the Chattahoochee was COLD… the only wresting

that took place – that I know of – was when we were all trying to grab

the moonshine and Apple Brandy…  and when Aubrey bit me, and I punched

him in the forehead.. other than that, you’ll have to ask the other

attendees…. hell, I don’t actually remember much after 1:00 AM of EITHER

of those nights in Helen…

Interrogator: Tell us about your relationship with Velociman.

Eric: Velociman is my hero… plain and simple.. if I could

write as well as he does, I would be writing professionally for a

newspaper, or magazine… and that is the truth… I’ve met him, and I

am better for it… I consider him my friend.

Interrogator: Indeed he is worthy of respect, contrary to my endless comments calling him "sweet yet slightly creepy." Upon first reading his postings or comments on various sites, the reaction was "What a freak." It goes deeper than that I think. He may chuckle when reading this, but something about his subtle social commentary speaks volumes, yet hidden amongst the one-line zingers such as "Who’s your fucking daddy?"

One day he posts pictures of the Velocikids, only to follow with the

one-finger salute. Am I the only one who noticed the hearts in the

latticework behind him in that photo?

It’s as if  Nathaniel West and Quentin Tarentino had a lovechild…who

lives a normal middle-class life. It seems that his disposition would

project this…

Eric: It should be recorded for posterity… that, I, Eric

the Straight White Guy, was the intrepid soul behind the camera at the

moment of Velocifinger.. a photo which will surely make MANY rounds…

after all, a Velociman is an elusive beast… managing to capture one

on film, well, I deserve a medal or something… National fucking

Geographic should be beating a path to my door… but, to answer your

question… Kim’s disposition?… not bad.. not bad, at all..

especially if you’ve stroked his hair first… he really enjoys that…

anyway, I will say this.. those of us who got well-oiled in Helen are a

lot alike.. every single one of us…. we like to laugh, drink, party,

flirt, cuss, smoke, and just generally enjoy the Hell out of

ourselves.. some of our blogs reflect that… others don’t.. but,

regardless of how and what we write… we all are loud-mouthed,

opinionated, and enjoyed meeting each other… if you want more info, I

suggest you take V-man and I up on our offer next year… hell, we were

ready to purchase the
tickets for you… you missed it, baby…. oh, and yeah.. the heart-latticework IS a nice touch, isn’t it…

Indeed that invite was almost painful to resist. (laughs) One posting of yours that really hit home was one where you paid homage to your first Big-Blog Link. Any thoughts on the Bloghood?

Eric: At the time, I was shocked that anyone was reading my blog…

much less Kim DuToit… I was just sitting here thinking that I was

ranting into the ether, when suddenly I had visitors… that, in itself,

was an eye-opener….I became acutely aware that what I say on my blog

might later be made to bite me in the ass… and, in a way, my first big

link from a fellow blogger really impacted how I wrote from that point

forward… strange, that… but, it did…

.. as for “bloghood�?.. being adopted as an honorary Jawa Blogger by

the miscreants at Blogfest-1 in Dahlonega, GA… well, I made some good

friends… it showed me that there are real people behind the blogs… and,

it demonstrated the difference between a blog-persona… and, a real

person… in a way, meeting bloggers face-to-face really showed me the

“creative�? side of blogs.. on your site, you can be whomever you want

to be… within reason, of course…

Interrogator: So now that you’re seasoned, you’ve adopted a blogdaughter,  Feisty Repartee. What’s up with that?

Eric: Ahhh… Christina… yes.. well, to be honest, she had emailed me

a few things to post about… that got my interest.. and, I told her

that before I had a blog, I would email Emperor Misha stuff, and he’d

often post it… as a non-blogger, that was the shit… it eventually

drove me to start my own site….. so I recommended that she start her

own blog… and, she did…of course, Jack of Random Fate was also plying her… she seems to have

joint blogfathers…. so, if we did the blood tests, she might not

claim me after all… still, the fact remains, when I saw that she had

a blog, I felt that I might have some credit in getting her started…

thus, she was adopted…. so far, she has done well on her blog… I

wish her all the best… and, I am proud to have her on my blogroll…

Interrogator: It’s been well over a year since you started blogging SWG. Do you have best and worst moments to tell of?

Eric: My best moment… I think that would have to be when people wrote me offline about the Walking  post… I honestly didn’t see what the big deal was…. I just sat down and wrote it… and, people seemed to really identify with it… but, it’s hard to separate my blog from real people, too… I have had the pleasure of meeting a lot of bloggers face-to-face… so, in one respect, those meetings would be the high point of my blogging experience… actually getting to meet some of the fine people behind the words… I would recommend it to any blogger…

As for my worst moment.. that is an easy one…. about three months ago, I nearly trashed my blog… I was angry about a lot of things going on in my personal life, and I just thought… "what is the point of this?"…. and, I almost deleted everything…. but, the next morning, I was better… and, I had realized what "the point of this" was… my blog is for me… my blog is a place where I can keep MY memories.. this is mine… and, it is important to me… if I had a handsome leather-bound journal, I’d never use it…. but, here… I post…. if you are entertained by my blog, good… if not, then leave.. I am not here to entertain you… I just have a personal blog… you, on the other hand.. well, you ARE here to entertain ME…. so, get to it…

Interrogator: One thing that makes me wonder, not to be morose, but what happens to blogs when they die? Most of them seem to sit untouched on blogspot for infinity…if someone with a lot of readers quits writing, would there be a vigil, or would people forget quickly? Heh…I mean, both of us have enjoyed a certain amount of success with blogging…Do you ever stop to consider what would happen if you stopped writing?

Eric: It all depends on the blog… for instance, Anna from Primal Purge… she is a fucking animal… but, she’s been dabbling with quitting for a while now… and, a few of us manage to drag her back from the edge….we honestly enjoy reading what she has to say… there are very few blogs that I read where I like nearly everything they write… having that kind of ability is a thing of beauty, indeed…

However, having said that… a few things need mentioning on this subject… blogging is a strange beast, really.. it is a combination of reality tv show, soap opera, diary, entertainment, and sociological trainwreck… all wrapped up in a handy-dandy website… sometimes, blogs are just as addictive to the readers as they are to the writers… that’s precisely why I call people rubberneckers in my posts..

It also strikes me as strange that you’d say my blog is successful… I’ve had this conversation with a few bloggers just recently… I do not consider my blog successful… to be that, it has to have a defined purpose.. hell, read my blog.. if you manage to find a purpose, let me know… please.. sure, I get a few commenters.. but, mostly, I know them personally… so, in a way, commenting on my site is more of a “friends helping friends drink�? kinda deal…

Interrogator: Success is a subjective term I do suppose. What I meant is that you seem to get out of it exactly what you expected. Opportunity to ramble, vent, tell stories about odd things like Puking Ravioli, a respectable number of readers, linkage, all that crap. Sometimes I get random emails from bloggers who don’t understand why no one will read their stuff. Then you pop over to their site, and all they seem to do is link to other articles/postings. No commentary or analysis. No humour or satire. Nothing novel at all.

Personally, I know that upon hitting your site, something there will amuse me….and it’s “smart boy�? humour, if you know what I mean. Of course there is something to be said for blogs that have an agenda, but honestly reading about politics or mommying or scooping kitty litter 100% of the time in a blog just kills me. Which is why I keep that stuff to a  minimum on Mirth and do that “elsewhere.�? Your blog is the same type of refuge from the political storm….it has its moments of frivolous nature as well as reflective moments. It’s human and honest…success.

Eric: Wow… "human and honest"… that is incredibly weird to hear…. I am flattered, don’t get me wrong… but, what can I say?… my blog is a place for me to record all of my day-to-day shit… I guess that to some people, I live a rubberneck-worthy life…. it totally amazes me that people want to visit SWG to see if I got my ass kicked at pool last Wednesday.. which, I did, incidentally… cheating bastards…. anyway, if you boil it all down, as I have said before, I want to be entertained… sing… dance… tell me a damn story, or something… that is what I look for in a blog… grab my attention.. sure, it may even be political stuff… but, if it is done in such a way that it is succinct, and to the point, and with a little bit of humor, I will read it… if it is some blowhard pontificating about how smart and wonderful his insights are… no, thanks… if I wanted that shit, I’d watch the news…

As for being successful.. if your definition above is what you meant, then yeah… I suppose that SWG is a success… I have used my blog to get to know some fine people.. Kelly, Dax, Key, Denny, Kim, Rob, Zonker, Geoffrey, Gordon, Rick, Georgia, Aubrey, Adam, Kenny, Barbara, Jim, Ken, Lela…. fine people…. it’s also taught me that the people who read my site are people I’d like to meet in person.. so, in that way, the success of my blog can be measured in the amount of pleasure I’ve had with it… if I write something that you like, we are probably long-lost Brothers or Sisters… so, come on over.. we’ll grill a steak, and shoot some pool… I’m a fairly good host for such occasions….

: Okay, so here’s one of those requisites that I always ask. Confessional bloggers:  shamefully pitiful or actually worthy of some respect?

I read a few blogs of that type but, I have to admit, it

isn’t my favorite style… I prefer a style of blogging where the

writers enjoys themselves… that spills over, and as a reader, you can

tell… but still, some "confessionals" can be quite fun.. especially

when the blogger is talking all kinds of crazy shit… I mean, if they

are talking about being in love, who gives a shit?… but, if they are

talking about lusting after their mailman/mailwoman who knows nothing

of it, then it is pretty cool…but, at the end of the day, I read blogs that entertain me… I don’t

want to be convinced, pleaded with, cajoled, or flattered… I want to

be entertained… made to laugh…. ENTERTAIN me… after all, that is

why you are here…

Interrogator: So what is too private to post in a blog?

Eric: On someone else, I don’t care…

as long as it is funny or interesting.. as for MY blog, I try to ensure

that my Friends & Family are protected… my blog is not

anonymous… if it were not, then my rules would be different…. hell,

my family reads my blog… So, just about the only things off-limits at SWG are familial

relationships… my politics, religion, and life are up for grabs.. I

use them all the time… so, in the end, anything dealing with ME is ok

to write about… but, I wouldn’t write about anything that would

embarrass my family… I mean, I talk about everything… my Exes…

shaving my nuts.. getting branded with a gold Star of David… but, I’d

never talk about bedroom stuff.. my Wife would have a fucking


Interrogator: Okay, so in general, hehe, I have to ask this question…On the subject of oral sex, does it matter whether it’s spit or swallow?

Eric: Plain and simple, I prefer a woman who swallows… less mess…

and, it ruins the mood when the woman hacks up your load onto the

carpet.. I mean, turn about is fair play, right?… if I’m going down

on a woman, I’m not going to stop every ten seconds, and spit…

besides, it’s just as natural as kissing… I mean, what would you do

if someone spat after kissing you? Relax.. enjoy it… relish in the

fact that you made someone achieve nirvana…

Interrogator: Ummmm….have you ever tasted man chowder? You have nooooo idea what it tastes like. Not at all like kissing….just this instantaneous glob. Ugh. Help me out here…

Eric: Hey, deal with it… you asked the question, and I answered… wait… damn… does that make me insensitive?… I’m so ashamed.. heh…

Interrogator: Speaking of shame (wink) Velociman and I are guest-whoring for your November 8th vacation. Tell us what you expect…and what shouldn’t the mice do when the cat is away?

Eric: You guys can do whatever you want… I don’t mind… last year, Geoffrey O’Dog Snot, Acidman, and Velociman all guest blogged while I

had guests down from Alaska… those evil bastards ran amok for a whole

week… but, no harm was done… other than me getting some extremely

interesting google hits… but, if you know anything from my blog, it

is that I have a sense of myself… my blog… my life.. and every damn other thing…

with all that said, just remember… payback is a bitch…

Interrogator: So is Sadie going to be the first female to set foot on your Movable Type?

Eric: I think that Key Monroe may have been the first femme to post at

SWG… then again, I’ll have to check my archives… I don’t have guest

posters very often.. and alcohol clouds a lot of the past… then again,

I think you may REALLY be the first girlie to post…. Hell.. anyway, for

the sake of this interview, I’ll say you are my first

guestposting-babe… fair enough? And, I might add, the honor is all

mine, dear…

Interrogator: Aha! Now….let’s end this whilst on an upnote. SWG, essentially you are a meat-and-potatoes kinda guy…Am i right?

Eric: Actually, I am more of a meat-and-meat person… unless, of course, there is pasta… I love things that make me feel alive… red meat…. red wine.. a good cigar…. a nice single malt.. driving my Audi with the stereo blasting… a kiss in the morning from my Wife… the recoil from my AR-15… the smell of gunpowder… watching the sun coming up.. leaves changing colors in autumn… hiking in the snow… sitting on my deck naked… strong, black coffee… a good laugh… it’s always the simple things that get me… every single time… I am a basic kind of person, I suppose…

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