Bad enough when a national candidate exploits you as a symbol of useless airheadedness. Now William Bratton is getting into the act. Bratton is the former Police Commissioner for Boston and New York, and currently he’s serving as chief of police for the LAPD. All positions requiring a certain degree of toughness, and yesterday he showed he was ready to give Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan a dose of his strong pimp hand. Speaking on the need for laws restraining the activities of paparazzi, Bratton said the problem was largely solved. According to numerous sources, he said: “If you notice, since Britney started wearing clothes and behaving; Paris is out of town not bothering anybody anymore, thank god; and evidently, Lindsay Lohan has gone gay, we don’t seem to have much of an issue.” Although he probably didn’t say that. Here’s what a somewhat more reliable source reports:

“Paris Hilton’s out of town, things are quiet. Lindsay Lohan’s got a new girlfriend, that’s keeping things quiet” said Mr Bratton. “And evidently Britney [Spears] has gone straight now in terms of cleaning her act up, so basically paparazzi are losing interest.”

Interesting that Bratton seems to siding with the paps here, a pretty loathesome pack of vermin any way you slice them. Who’s gotten to you, Mr. Police Chief? Still, it’s nice to know that the actions—or, in this case—the inactions—of three young women can make such a difference.