Let’s be honest: As an Agent Bedhead reader, you’re hip and culturally alert, so presumably you’re well aware that Lady GaGa’s career is merely the latest phase in the centuries-long plot by the Illuminati to turn us all into brainwashed slaves of Baphomet. (This may be one of my favorite conspiracy theories, right up there with the notion that the JFK assassination was actually a plot to murder Jackie, only they missed.) Surprisingly, GaGa has now gone on record all but confirming this. It happens in her interview in the current Rolling Stone, where she recounts one of her dreams in copious detail—way too much detail to repeat here, but the dream involves Satanic phantoms and self-mutilation and Saw-like torture and generally makes me feel better about my own mental health than I’ve felt in years. Predictably, GaGa wondered what it all meant:

Gaga was confused by her dream and turned to other sources to find out its meaning. “So I looked up the dream, and I couldn’t find anything about it anywhere. And my mother goes, ‘Isn’t that an illuminati ritual?’ And I was like, ‘Oh, my God!’”

So: Bloated with the world-conquering success of her brief moment on the global stage, GaGa is now arrogant enough to think she can toy with us hapless proles. That, or she’s already a brainwashed slave of Baphomet and she’s merely leading the rest of us down the garden path. Either way, the unfolding of this vast conspiracy promises to be more entertaining than anything Dan Brown’s written about lately.