This Better Come with Free Nachos and a Mint

For the last few days Fox, CNN, and much of the internet have been all Spitzer, all the time. But here at Agent Bedhead, we haven’t had much to say about the soon-to-be-ex-governor’s boogie nights. Not that we have any objection to kicking a guy when he’s down, mind you. But the “shooting fish in a barrel” aspect of the story takes all the fun out of the kicking. Still, just to get into the spirit of things, here’s a post on the tawdry practice of assigning a dollar value to women like they were common household appliances.

It’s common knowledge that Governor Spitzer was ready to shell out $5,000 for the services of “Kristen,” despite the fact she doesn’t really match the high-priced call girl fantasy. Of course, “fantasy” is the operative word here. More realistic is the $40,100
price tag for a date with Scarlett Johansson, which almost certainly will not end with a reverse cowgirl. (Actually, the money’s going to charity, but that’s still a lot to pay for a so-so meal and conversation with someone you’ve never met.)

At the low end of the celebrity scale we have the likes of Lindsay Lohan and Eva Longoria, whom you can have your way with for a low, low $19.95. Not the real Lindsay, of course—that would take a couple of stout rails and many, many Long Island iced teas, in addition to the $19.95—but a convincing latex imitation. (The link here is to Jezebel. If you follow Jezebel’s links to the actual NSFW website, you have no one but yourself to blame.) For twenty bucks, you can do awful, awful things to inflatable versions of La Lohan, Longoria, JLo, or Sarah Jessica Parker—wait a minute. Look, Ms. Parker is a witty, charming person who can probably run the Kentucky Derby in two minutes flat, but who the hell wants to rut away at an inflatable beach toy shaped like Carrie Bradshaw? Prostitution and power fantasies really can make for strange bedfellows.