To hear Paula Abdul tell it, she’s never taken a drink in her life. In fact, she”’s umm, sober as a judge. But a series of increasingly deranged public appearances by American Idol”’s designated bimbo have left a lot of us wondering what weird drug-and-alcohol cocktail is keeping her going, and where we can get some for ourselves. Now it looks like the producers have decided they don”’t want to take the risk of Paula passing out and drowning in her own vomit during one of those excruciating auditions. Word is, they feel it”’s time for a more thoughtful, responsible performer to take Paula”’s place at the judges”’ table. And, naturally, one name leaped immediately to mind: Courtney Love.

That”’s right. Rumor has it that Courtney Love will be replacing Paula Abdul on America”’s most incomprehensibly popular teevee show. Because she”’s so likeable, you know. And never, ever droolingly incoherent. In fairness, Courtney”’s been pretty well behaved for about a year now, so it”’s possible that after fifteen years, the trainwreck she calls a life has finally rolled to a halt. If that”’s the case, then Idol will be offering its viewers a chance to peer into the future and see what Paris Hilton will look like in 2027.