News Of The Pathetic: The Disney fairy known as “Tinker Bell” has been forced to put on a grand show of purchasing accepting a star upon the Hollywood Walk of Fame. As common knowledge holds, famous types only resort to this method when feeling particularly desperate and need a low-cost method (and a guarantee that all the photo agencies will assist) of pimping a particular project. So, why in Neverland would Tinker Bell — a 99-year young staple of children’s lit and an unofficial Walt Disney Company mascot — feel the need to boost her career with a little “Yes, I’m an official star!” sort of publicity? The answer is simple but surprisingly heartbreaking: Tink’s formerly notable caboose has been eclipsed within popular culture by the critical ass of Kim Kardashian. To make matters worse, poor Tink (as a Disney entity) can’t even hope to compete with a whore who “accidentally” releases her own amateur porn tape.

Update: Like clockwork, Tinker Bell’s Great Fairy Escape was sitting on the new-release shelves at Target. Yeah, I shop there too fucking much.