Tom Cruise Not Convincing As Anti-Nazi Hopeful Assassin

The all-or-nothing personality of Tom Cruise is in dire need of reprogramming. He either keeps his mouth shut as he did for fifteenish years of his high-powered movie career, or he paints his little black heart a carnation pink and pins it to one of his gradually sagging nipples. His own publicity machine wisely shut him down following the MI3 press junket, but the switch has flipped on once again without the merciful dimmer effect one would prefer.

The gratuitous insincerity of the Cruise did attempt to trick us with a few remedial measures of late. Cruise has sponsored complimentary detox saunas, which he says will completely cure Ground Zero workers of all health ailments and have the added bonus effect (!) of raising them a few IQ points. He also has allowed Katie Lou to hire her own publicist and fire Tom’s incompetent sister, who engineered Tom’s rise to the top of Oprah’s couch. Tom considers these two remedial measures as all that is required to reinstate him as the enigmatic badass he once appeared to be, but Hecklerspray phrases this quick change in style:

Eager to get his public image back on track so he can start being seen as Tom Cruise: Filmstar again instead of Tom Cruise: Deranged Whackjob Religious Cult Midget, Tom Cruise has been carefully handpicking a bunch of carefully-crafted movies that will return him to his spot as a Hollywood megastar. And the latest of these is a film about Hitler and the Nazis directed by the Superman Returns bloke.

The plan is to have Tom Cruise himself try to destroy the Nazi party by playing Claus Schenk Graf von Stauffenberg, who tried to assassinate Adolf Hitler back in the day, but Stauffenberg’s grandson is none too pleased about the Cruise casting:

I have nothing against Cruise and can even separate his work from his beliefs in Scientology.

But I and other family members are worried that the picture will be financed by the sect and be used to get across its propaganda.

Considering that Scientology carries a strong motivation to rebuff comparisons of their religion as a Nazi cult, it’s a natural conclusion that Tom Cruise would use the role to further Scientology’s intrusion into the mainstream culture. He must be stopped!