It’s been hardly a week since Scarlett Johansson moved in with Sean Penn, proving that if God exists he’s a sick mofo with a monstrously sadistic sense of humor. But already, Scarlett’s beginning to realize that her new Daddy surrogate is much more than a hagged out, despot-loving boor who reeks of stale cigarette smoke and discredited political philosophies. He’s also kind of a jerk. Apparently, when Sean isn’t hanging out with his longtime friend Charlie Sheen, he’s nagging Scarlett about her slovenly lifestyle. Specifically, he wants her to lose weight and stop drinking. And cutting back on those nasty cigs that I used to huff down by the packful wouldn’t hurt either, babe.

This is almost good news, since it suggests that in the above picture Scarlett is packing a lunch baby, not that she’s been impregnated by Sean’s foul semen. It might also be a wake-up call to Scarlett to nip this relationship in the bud and hook up with someone more eligible, like Sean’s pal Charlie, or Woody Allen, or that guy on Wilshire Boulevard who offered to clean her windshield for a buck. Upgrading from Sean Penn has got to be the easiest thing in the world.