The Donald has spoken, so forget whatever you heard over the last few days: Tara Conner will hang onto her Miss USA tiara. “I’ve always been a believer in second chances,� said Trump, who blamed the “whirlwind� of New york for corrupting Conner. Trump claimed, “I believe she can do a tremendous service to young people� by entering rehab and turning her life around, although he warned that “if she makes the slightest mistake from here on, she will be immediately replaced.� (TMZ has a clip here of The Donald, along with an even better one of Conner’s Oscar-caliber display of contrition.)

Ahem. Just to clarify, we’re not talking about Miss America here. We’re talking about Miss USA: a contest established by Catalina Swimsuits, with no talent competition and an “interview� that consists of one question. Winners don’t get scholarships: they go on to the Miss Universe pageant (also established by Catalina) or a variety of reality shows. Conner’s record of underage drinking, coke snorting, table dancing, and making out with Miss Teen USA (all documented—or alleged, anyway—here) is exactly what this vacuous pageant needs to bring it into the twenty-first century. Even better, Trump could have announced that he was repackaging the franchise as “Miss Extreme USA,� and Connor could have challenged Paris Hilton to a jello-wrestling smackdown for the title of Miss Whore Vortex, West Coast Division.