In light of the Uwe Boll Retirement Drive currently in process, it occurs to me that some people don’t even know who this guy is or why they should care. Naturally, I am speaking of my best friend of 20 years, who just adores making textual appearances on this site. This means, of course, that I’ll be receiving that copy of Alyssa Milano’s Teen Steam workout video for Christmas. Again.

Now, onto the gruesome topic at hand. If you have never seen a Uwe Boll film, I would not, under any circumstances, suggest doing so. To put things into context, a few quick facts will tell you everything you need to know on this classy fellow:

(1) Uwe Boll is Open Minded: He is the only director who possesses the sheer idiocy to cast Tara Reid as a “brilliant anthropologist.” The general consensus was that this film, Alone In The Dark, was “just Tarable.”

(2) Uwe Boll Is Very Friendly: In regard to negative reviews of his films, Uwe doesn’t respond with a well-articulated, point-by-point refutation of the film in question. Instead, Uwe responds by taking an intensely intimate interest in critics’ sex lives — just because he cares so very much:

chris
your review shows me only that you dont understand anything about movies and that you are a untalented wanna bee filmmaker with no balls and no understanding what POSTAL is. you dont see courage because you are nothing. and no go to your mum and fuck her …because she cooks for you now since 30 years ..so she deserves it.
people like you are the reason that independent movies have no chance anymore.
uwe boll
PS: POSTAL is R RATED . The MPAA understood the satire — you not — you dumb fuck

While Mr. Boll’s syntax is remarkable and oh-so-postmodern, I would be interested to know his personal definition of “satire.” Actually, never mind. Please don’t email me, dude.

To conclude this riveting profile, Uwe Boll has given a video response to the aforementioned petition calling for his retirement. The courageous Kotaku.com had the stomach to transcribe part of Uwe Boll’s stand-up comedy act:

“I’m not a fucking retard like Michael Bay or other people running around in the business or Eli Roth making the same shitty movies over and over again . . . If you really look at my movies you will see my real genius you know, and if you go on May 23 on Postal you will see that I deliver a movie what nobody else delivered in the last 10 years, what is way better as all that social critic George Clooney bullshit what you get every fucking weekend . . . You have to really wake up and you have to see me what I am. I am the only genius in the whole fucking business. Goodbye.”

While I do concede that this jackass is correct on the Clooney point, Uwe probably cribbed that sentiment from a bathroom wall. Otherwise, it’s just not worth it to argue with a self-declared genius. Hell, why hasn’t this guy joined the ranks of Scientology yet? They just love that shit.

UPDATE: Although he was undoubtedly consumed by laughter, that Eli Roth bloke briefly described Uwe’s insult as the “GREATEST COMPLIMENT EVER.” That sounds about right.