You know it’s a dark day when we’re posting Kitler imagery just to avoid a picture of Uwe Boll on this blog. This means, unfortunately, that we’re keeping those last few jokes about Dwayne Johnson’s hot body as well as the comparative hair product analysis of Eli Roth & Tom Tykwer in reserve for when we really need to be funny. To be certain, this occasion is one of mourning.

Despite all the genius variants on Uwe Boll’s long-running publicity stunt, the auteur’s latest contribution to western civilization, will, sadly, not enter theatres as a wide release on May 23. Instead of its highly-anticipated 1500 theatres, Postal has been dropped by U.S. distributors that simply cannot afford to reserve these screens for absolutely no one. This decision isn’t exactly unprecedented, for Uwe Boll hasn’t made a profit on a single one of his “films.” Of course, Boll remains entirely defensive about his misunderstood pile of cinematic crap:

Theatrical distributors are boycotting ‘Postal’ because of its political content. We were prepared to open on 1500 screens all across America on May 23rd. Any multiplex in the U.S. should have space for us, but they’re afraid.

We have even tried to buy a few screens in New York and Los Angeles, and they won’t let us even rent the theaters! I urge independent exhibitors to contact us and book ‘Postal’! Audiences have been expecting the film and I don’t think exhibitors should censor what gets played in U.S. theaters.

Wrong-o. Personally, I don’t know a single soul, aside from a few unfortunate film critics, who planned on seeing this film, so unless “expecting” directly translates to “dreading,” well, you catch my drift. A mere five lucky cities will see Postal: New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Denver, & Tucson. According to Boll, this cinematic travesty is, naturally, a conspiracy to stifle the obvious genius that is Uwe Boll. It’s just too bad that theaters aren’t willing to financially fuck themselves to give a fighting chance to Boll’s mad directing skills.

This brings me to another few details, which I’ve mostly ignored because of the burnout factor, from the past few weeks.

(1) Some lame-ass chewing gum company actually tried to get some free publicity by latching onto Uwe Boll’s parasitic publicity tactics. A company must be in an unfortunate state to use Uwe Fucking Boll for free press.

(2) Oh, and remember when Uwe Boll issued that statement about Michael Bay supposedly agreeing to step into the boxing ring? Well, it seems that Boll has either created this fantasy inside his head, which is entirely possible, or that Boll is a pathological liar. Either one of these possibilities is equally disturbing, for Michael Bay says that Boll’s statement of his acceptance is entirely false. Furthermore, Michael Bay denies ever speaking to Uwe Boll in the past, present, or future.

So, are we done talking about this guy already? Good, because we’re totally starting to lose our street cred.