Uwe Boll Says Bay Will Fight; Moves On To Next Beefcake, Billy Zane

Poor Billy Zane is having a pretty bad week. First, he got dumped by fiancé Kelly Brook, who has worn a perpetual smile since the couple’s split. Then, Zane got slapped with a lawsuit by none other than Uwe Boll:

Director Uwe Boll has sued actor Billy Zane in Los Angeles Superior Court, claiming he’s owed at least $700,000 in revenues from the 2006 boxoffice flop “Bloodrayne.”

Boll claims in the April 30 filing that Zane was the one who suggested Romar Entertainment handle distribution of the film. Zane and Romar principal James Schramm allegedly promised the film would open in 2,000 theaters and that a $10 million advance from Boll would be used for advertising and promotion. But at least $900,000 was paid out to Zane and Schramm and the movie opened in only 950 theaters, Boll claims.

The film’s budget was $25 million and brought in just under $4 million at the worldwide boxoffice.

Hell, I can’t even bother analyzing this crap. However, speaking only in my opinionated capacity, I move to dismiss for lack of jurisdiction. Just because it’s Uwe Boll.

Oooh, shiny thing over here….. wild thang gave MTV a dissertation on pudding, so I guess now we know what Boll’s doctorate was in.

Finally, we round up the latest in the “Uwe Boll Against Michael Bay, Eli Roth, & George Clooney Miniseries” with a bizarre declaration of sorts. Since I cannot understand what the fuck Uwe Boll is actually saying, my transcription is somewhat lacking:

Hi, it’s Uwe Boll. I’m very happy to say that the fight is on. Boll against Bay. It will happen again. It’s a rumble in the jungle II. It will be [unintelligible crap], and it will be I think September 30 is the fight. Boll against Bay. He agreed to do it. I am very proud of it, so if you want to be live there, you need 10 tickets from Postal May 23 starting, and you bring your tickets, and this is the entry tickets to the boxing fight, Boll against Bay. [unintelligible and redundant crap]. Okay, so, Michael Bay, start training, and, uh, I think it will go down to be honest. I think in round 3 or round 4, you go down in history not only for the worst war movie in history, Pearl Harbor, but also for the worst boxer in the ring against Uwe Boll ever. [unintelligible sign off]

Video below, bitches.

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