SECRET DIARY OF P DOEHERTY: “[A]s fotograpfers snap away TIME SEEM TO STAND STILL…” (HM)

Howard Stern loses chance to bag Dolly Parson. (CS)

Aniston & Mayer: The course of true love runs in front of the paparazzi. (CB)

Blindness premiere: Red-Carpet Irony. (Ayyyy!)

Jon Bon Jovi & wife Dorothea: Twins? (IBBB)

Anne Heche: Celestia is flat (&) broke. (TB)

Kate Hudson & Owen Wilson: Act II, over. (SOMG)

Lisa Marie Presley is seriously huge. (PB)

Jessica Alba does Charlie Chaplin (POTP)

Vanessa Paradis replaces Kirsten Dunst. (GB)

Why did Mischa Barton move to France? (HO)

All eyes on Angelina Jolie’s boobs. (KIsP)

Upcoming Films: Land of the Remakes, featuring tasty waves. (Pajiba)

Tony Romo goes back to touching other dude’s taints. Touchdown! (DR)

Rose McGowan gets her rack looked at. (UMC)

Colin Farrell looks like a manorexic Spanish barfly. (CS)

Reese Witherspoon is getting married. To someone. Someday. (CB)

Tori Spelling wants to be the sexy MILF of “90210.” (Ayyyy!)

Harriet Carter gets rabies & stashes the murder victim. (IBBB)

Weezer’s 3rd CD won’t destroy your sweater. (SOMG)

James McAvoy is mean & tasty. (PB)

Kid Rock is a regular boy scout. (GB)

Jack Black reveals the contents of Angelina Jolie’s uterus. (POTP)

Lily Allen (NSFW) goes topless sunbathing. (RR)

Chloe Sevigny = Geek Babe with horn-rimmed glasses. (WIMB)

Halle Berry has cats in her boobs. (CR)

L. Ron Hubbard never figured on the internet, did he? (1SB)

The Daily Mail takes time off from scrutinizing starlet knees to steal from bloggers. (CB)

Chris Noth’s Mr. Big: Hottest. Pervert. Ever. (CS)

The Hat That Ate Leicesster Square. (Ayyyy!)

Donna Martin Masturbates! What? (IBBB)

Tara Reid wears a bikini. She never learns. (TB)

Tommy Lee, in an uphill battle, fails to impregnate Jane Fonda. (SOMG)

Victoria Beckham is eating for two? Gotta feed the silicone, I guess. (PB)

Tila Tequila: Fugly bitch with a hot body. (POTP)

Sienna Miller is embarrassed by all 900 of her nude scenes. (GB)

Bill O’Reilly likes to fuck it & do it live. (DR)

Tom Cruise and his date with David Beckham. (HO)

Soon, you too can lick Frank Sinatra’s eyeballs. (KIsP)

Steampunk goes mainstream. Allen Quartermain wants his childhood back. (Flea)

Frontiers: This time, let’s blame Sarkozky for the blood and viscera. (Pajiba)

Top 10 Bond Villains: What, Le Chiffre and his bleeding eye don’t matter? (Guardian)

Sienna Miller: Leggy in London. (UMC)

Jamie Lee Curtis looks polished, beautiful, and completely & utterly natural. (CS)

Brad Pitt’s mysteriously cryptic new tattoo. (CB)

Buzz Aldrin: Sexy as Grandpa Munster. (Ayyyy!)

Halle Berry: Prelude to a Cameltoe. (IBBB)

Another 90210 Alum Returns: Guess who? (SOMG)

Simon Cowell took his mum on a nice date! (PB)

Ben Affleck regrets rubbing lotion on JLo’s ass. (GB)

John Mayer & Jennifer Aniston got busy poolside. Again. (POTP)

Mickey Rourke’s Huge… posse. Uh, why? (CR)

How did Mark McGrath end up onstage with Dave Navarro, Matt Sorum, Steve Jones, Tommy Lee, Slash, Duff, & Jerry Cantrell? (RR)

Top 10 Possible Career Changes For Lindsay Lohan: Yep, someone just lost another film role. (WIMB)

Jenna Bush’s gorgeous new wedding photos. (CB)

Beyonce wants your child to dress like a whore. (CS)

Nigella Lawson sure knows how to fellate. (Ayyyy!)

Cindy Crawford looks younger than Lohan and Spears. (IBBB)

Amy Winehouse wandered thru a traffic jam on the highway & went sunbathing. (TB)

World’s Ugliest Dog Contest: Too damn cute. (PB)

Hilary Clinton’s Emotion Field Guide. (DR)

Hugh Hefner shows more class than the tabloid shows. (POTP)

Justin Timberlake laughs like a little girl. (GB)

Rick Moranis totally wants to tap Pam Anderson’s ass. (PDIMH)

Jennie Garth returns to 90210. Tori Spelling to make voodoo doll. (SOMG)

Some idiot accidentally flipped Kelly Preston’s “on” switch. (HO)

Ultimate Indiana Jones Quiz: A nerdboy challenge has been issued. (LG)

Scientology’s “Fair Game Law”: Still in use to quash free speech of Anonymous Protesters. (Flea)

What Happens In Vegas, including Kutcher and Diaz, should definitely stay in Vegas. (Pajiba)

ANTM: Seriously, what is this crap? (IBBB)

Snoop Dogg’s soap opera debut of “Fo shizzle.” (CS)

Matt Damon wipes away the sexy. No!!! (CB)

How To: Explain a Madonna concert to kids. (Ayyyy!)

Bai Ling and her nipples are uncontrollable. (TB)

Celebrity Cellulite: Ample asses galore. (PB)

Robert Downey Jr. at the tender age of five. (SOMG)

Sarah Jessica Parker tries to distance herself from herself. (GG)

Eva Mendes (NSFW) might be sorta kinda sexy. (DR)

Heidi Klum is tactless yet charming. (HO)

Josh Motherfucking Brolin is George W. Bush, y’all. (WIMB)

Vince Vaughn & Owen Wilson: Rejected by a beautiful baby! (POTP)

If Gwyneth The Terrible could star in a film adaptation of Jane Austin’s Emma, why does Ellen Page get crap as the lead in the film version of Charlotte Brontë’s Jane Eyre? (GB)

Michelle Monaghan looks fantastic when she’s not in a crappy romcom movie. (UMC)

Madonna: Can’t the old bitch learn new tricks? (CS)

Star Jones vs. Barbara Walters: Catfight! (CB)

Clint Eastwood has a death wish for Dirty Harry. (GB)

Chris Brown’s Sexy: Marred by bad posture! (POTP)

Olsen Twin Porn: Mary Kate & Ashley indulge. (CR)

Short & Sweet: Tom Cruise gets it his way. (KIsP)

Harriet Carter & the Failure Model Chick. (IBBB)

Amy Winehouse got arrested for the second time in two weeks. (SOMG)

Kelly Osbourne walks into a wall — because being rich, spoiled, & sober is boring. (PB)

An Age Old Dilemma: Hike up the skirt or strap down the boobs? (Ayyyy!)

Pete Doherty: Acoustic guitar with wildflowers during the Kate Moss days. (DD)

Ravenous: I’ve been known to toy with a squeamish audience by casually using the words “man chowder,” but “man-stew”? That’s just gross. (Pajiba)

Bai Ling cranks up her freakitude quotient. (TB)

Spencer Pratt: More than we wanted to know. (CS)

Dustin Hoffman isn’t so crazy about Tom Cruise. (CB)

Soleil Moon Frye vs. Super Arachnid: Punky Power! (Ayyyy!)

Heidi Montag sluts it up in Vegas, baby. (IBBB)

Beverly Hills Chihuahua looks too damn cute. (PB)

Mischa Barton: The photographer tries to justify those awful “sunbathing topless with cellulite” pictures. (GB)

Is that Amy Winehouse’s beehive-induced bald spot? (SOMG)

Guess the Celebrity Rack! A man’s version of red carpet coverage. (DR)

MTV Movie Awards: Who will win? Who will watch? (HO)

Scarlett Johansson: The huge rock fails to offset those giant knockers. (POTP)

“Twin Peaks” Season One: Kyle MacLachlan, pie, and coffee. ‘Nuff said. (Pajiba)