You know it’s a dark day when we’re posting Kitler imagery just to avoid a picture of Uwe Boll on this blog. This means, unfortunately, that we’re keeping those last few jokes about Dwayne Johnson’s hot body as well as the comparative hair product analysis of Eli Roth & Tom Tykwer in reserve for when we really need to be funny. To be certain, this occasion is one of mourning.

Despite all the genius variants on Uwe Boll’s long-running publicity stunt, the auteur’s latest contribution to western civilization, will, sadly, not enter theatres as a wide release on May 23. Instead of its highly-anticipated 1500 theatres, Postal has been dropped by U.S. distributors that simply cannot afford to reserve these screens for absolutely no one. This decision isn’t exactly unprecedented, for Uwe Boll hasn’t made a profit on a single one of his “films.” Of course, Boll remains entirely defensive about his misunderstood pile of cinematic crap:

Theatrical distributors are boycotting ‘Postal’ because of its political content. We were prepared to open on 1500 screens all across America on May 23rd. Any multiplex in the U.S. should have space for us, but they’re afraid.

We have even tried to buy a few screens in New York and Los Angeles, and they won’t let us even rent the theaters! I urge independent exhibitors to contact us and book ‘Postal’! Audiences have been expecting the film and I don’t think exhibitors should censor what gets played in U.S. theaters.

Wrong-o. Personally, I don’t know a single soul, aside from a few unfortunate film critics, who planned on seeing this film, so unless “expecting” directly translates to “dreading,” well, you catch my drift. A mere five lucky cities will see Postal: New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Denver, & Tucson. According to Boll, this cinematic travesty is, naturally, a conspiracy to stifle the obvious genius that is Uwe Boll. It’s just too bad that theaters aren’t willing to financially fuck themselves to give a fighting chance to Boll’s mad directing skills.

This brings me to another few details, which I’ve mostly ignored because of the burnout factor, from the past few weeks.

(1) Some lame-ass chewing gum company actually tried to get some free publicity by latching onto Uwe Boll’s parasitic publicity tactics. A company must be in an unfortunate state to use Uwe Fucking Boll for free press.

(2) Oh, and remember when Uwe Boll issued that statement about Michael Bay supposedly agreeing to step into the boxing ring? Well, it seems that Boll has either created this fantasy inside his head, which is entirely possible, or that Boll is a pathological liar. Either one of these possibilities is equally disturbing, for Michael Bay says that Boll’s statement of his acceptance is entirely false. Furthermore, Michael Bay denies ever speaking to Uwe Boll in the past, present, or future.

So, are we done talking about this guy already? Good, because we’re totally starting to lose our street cred.

AB: Dude, if for some reason I disappear….
just know that the Scientologists did it.

Flea: Now wondering if there is a Scientology Hostel.

AB: Yes. They drill the thetans out of your body.

Flea: Damn thetans! And then you get a tattoo of L. Ron Hubbard’s face.

AB: Hahahaaaaa! Nooooo. Don’t point that e-meter at me! Hey, this isn’t funny anymore….

To Be Continued.

Poor Billy Zane is having a pretty bad week. First, he got dumped by fiancé Kelly Brook, who has worn a perpetual smile since the couple’s split. Then, Zane got slapped with a lawsuit by none other than Uwe Boll:

Director Uwe Boll has sued actor Billy Zane in Los Angeles Superior Court, claiming he’s owed at least $700,000 in revenues from the 2006 boxoffice flop “Bloodrayne.”

Boll claims in the April 30 filing that Zane was the one who suggested Romar Entertainment handle distribution of the film. Zane and Romar principal James Schramm allegedly promised the film would open in 2,000 theaters and that a $10 million advance from Boll would be used for advertising and promotion. But at least $900,000 was paid out to Zane and Schramm and the movie opened in only 950 theaters, Boll claims.

The film’s budget was $25 million and brought in just under $4 million at the worldwide boxoffice.

Hell, I can’t even bother analyzing this crap. However, speaking only in my opinionated capacity, I move to dismiss for lack of jurisdiction. Just because it’s Uwe Boll.

Oooh, shiny thing over here….. wild thang gave MTV a dissertation on pudding, so I guess now we know what Boll’s doctorate was in.

Finally, we round up the latest in the “Uwe Boll Against Michael Bay, Eli Roth, & George Clooney Miniseries” with a bizarre declaration of sorts. Since I cannot understand what the fuck Uwe Boll is actually saying, my transcription is somewhat lacking:

Hi, it’s Uwe Boll. I’m very happy to say that the fight is on. Boll against Bay. It will happen again. It’s a rumble in the jungle II. It will be [unintelligible crap], and it will be I think September 30 is the fight. Boll against Bay. He agreed to do it. I am very proud of it, so if you want to be live there, you need 10 tickets from Postal May 23 starting, and you bring your tickets, and this is the entry tickets to the boxing fight, Boll against Bay. [unintelligible and redundant crap]. Okay, so, Michael Bay, start training, and, uh, I think it will go down to be honest. I think in round 3 or round 4, you go down in history not only for the worst war movie in history, Pearl Harbor, but also for the worst boxer in the ring against Uwe Boll ever. [unintelligible sign off]

Video below, bitches.

Pages: 1 2

John Mayer is a reasonably talented guy who is widely suspected of having nailed something like eleventy bazillion gorgeous women in the last five years. Most recently he’s been linked with Jennifer Aniston, and a quick Google news search will turn up loads of speculation that Mayer is Jennifer’s latest forlorn attempt to forget Brad Pitt and that man-stealing bitch he’s shacked up with. But on his blog, Mayer didn’t even bother to discuss the Johnifer hypothesis. Instead, his latest entry is devoted to the number one love of his life—his hair:

Today I set off on my newest project; to grow and maintain an authentic ’80s style feathered haircut. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for some time and I’m very excited to bring this amazing look into today’s pop culture landscape. The feathered cut projects an attitude of ease and quiet confidence that seems to have all but eluded our generation. This is a work in progress, and as my hair grows longer it will serve to become a more stirring and poignant statement.

Mayer goes on to discuss some of his role models for this project, including Alex Keaton and Kristy McNichol, whom he calls “the goal personified.” No word yet on whether this project will let John Mayer join Eli Roth and Javier Bardem in the bedhead finals, but I say: Rock on, John Mayer. I for one am ready to be stirred in a poignant manner, and this election cycle really isn’t doing it for me.

Sigh. Since we’ve covered the rest of this engrossing saga in rather unnecessary detail, we feel compelled to publish the latest news of Uwe Boll and his Michael Bay fetish. So, here is the latest reply from Bay himself:

Can we stop talking about this guy! I never even heard his name till last week when he made threats and rants. The guy is a fucking idiot, making threats to me, Clooney, Eli Roth, says he has a doctorate - but uses the word “retard” in his vocabulary, come on. When you look at his videos, what is interesting are the backgrounds. I guess his low rent offices, with 15 year old 3/4 machines, archaic computers, this is just some dumb chump trying to get some fame when he has none, so he has to make Youtube lame quality anger rants. Guy just want [sic] attention because he can’t get any for the so called movies he makes. Nothing sadder when he had his screening in LA to an over half empty movie house.

He is a troubled soul - let’s just waste time on talking about him please.

M

Of course, Bay wants everyone to stop talking about this dude, yet he wastes another 143 words talking about it. These words will, no doubt, be cherished tonight as a printed out, laminated token of love underneath Uwe Boll’s pillow.

We suggest to Uwe Boll that, if he must make such threats, go right ahead and challenge Guy Ritchie to a boxing match, for the response from Madonna would be simply priceless.

Source: Michael Bay’s Official Shoot For the Edit Forums

Hey, if two sweaty men simply must beat the crap out of each other, I should be allowed to pretend that one of them is The Rock, and the other one is rendered virtually invisible. In other words, I’m still sticking to my unofficial rule that I will not post the visage of Uwe Boll, who has somehow upgraded his eccentric publicity whoring to include the status of “total crackhead.” Yep, he has taken the liberty of challenging fellow director Michael Bay to a good pounding in the ring:

Hi, here’s Uwe Boll and you see my outfit so you know what’s coming up now basically. Michael Bay responded to my note about him in a very insulting way for me. He said that he doesn’t care about me and this was very insulting because I care about him and I think that with the money he has for his movies, he sucks big time. I think it’s time to meet in the ring actually.

So it’s my message to Michael Bay, Michael, in between your pool parties in LA or your casting sessions with the strippers you should start training now. And I’m sure you look good, you look thin. I saw you at the Hollywood Film Festival, I think you’re a fit guy and you do like private karate Asia bullshit crap fighting stuff in LA where you think you’re super cool that you do that with your 500 bucks per hour trainer.

So let’s meet in the ring in September or October. Pay-per-view. Mandalay Bay. Las Vegas. Twelve rounds of boxing. Boll against Bay. It’s also independent against the studio system and I think that this day in Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas we will clear it up who is not only the better director who is also able to fight more for that what he wants.

OK Michael, if you see that message I expect that your people contacting me, it will be all arranged. We even make money with it, and so let’s go for it. Boll against Bay. It’s on.

Obviously, U.B. has some sort of vendetta against Michael Bay himself amongst all of the other filmmakers (Gus Van Sant, Steven Spielberg, Eli Roth, Michael Haneke, Tom Tykwer, & George Clooney) whose names that U.B. has recently mispronounced for whatever reasons. This personal vendetta has been fueled by the fact that Michael Bay is the only one who demonstrated his visible discomfort at being singled out by U.B., and the little crackhead is getting off on it.

Of course, this comes after the “The Uwe Boll Movie Challenge,” which Defamer describes as “like Be Kind Rewind, but with the guiding light of a German hack as opposed to a French aesthete.” Somehow, this just isn’t about filmmaking any longer because — unlike the other filmmakers who are, you know, busy making films — U.B. has apparently forgotten his profession and would rather prove his manhood in Vegas, of all places.

Below, you’ll find the video of U.B. challenging Michael Bay to a fight. What a fucking freak.

Pages: 1 2

I still refuse to post a picture of Uwe Boll (hereinafter known as “UB”) because of this irrational fear that he’ll steal my soul or something and place it in his masturbatory tax shelter. Hell, last week, I actually had to use Tara Reid pictures when discussing UB’s attack on Michael Bay and Eli Roth, and now that the publicity tide from that tirade has subsided, UB is back for another free ride by telling MTV News of several additions to his shit list:

“Lets [sic] say Tom Tykwer, he did ‘Run, Lola Run,’ right? But ‘Perfume’ is a piece of sh-t, let’s face it, yeah? So, and um he has a free run after ‘Lola’ because people liked the movie. There are a lot of directors like this — they’re getting hype [but] everything [they do] is boring and nobody wants to admit it,” the pugilist provocateur insisted.

“How many good movies did Gus Van Sant do?” he added, continuing his verbal assault on some of film’s best current auteurs. “He did a few good movies but also a few bad movies. But if you have this kind of reputation you get invitations to film festivals or whatever. Micheal Haneke! ‘Funny Games’ was a good movie original, but to reshoot that here, was stupid. And everybody thinks the movies are kind of important or something. So, that’s the thing.”

The quasi-interview goes on to feature more ranting and a conclusion that — as much as UB bitches about Van Sant, Roth, Tykwer, and Haneke — the true hatred of UB is directed towards Michael Bay. Essentially, UB thinks that Bay is no genius and only succeeds because of the enormity of his film budgets, and that’s really a moot argument that no one really gives a shit about. It’s really of no use to do much analysis here. However, one thing is certain — the only person who seems to be obsessing on the word “genius” is UB himself.

Now, let’s get to the real point of this post, which is that I have suddenly realized how much product that Tom Tykwer uses in his hair. Holy crap! This may provide future material for a comparative product analysis between Tykwer and Eli Roth, who I haven’t made nearly as much fun of lately as usual. Until then, Eli had better start slathering on more Tancho because Twyker is catching up with him!

In light of the Uwe Boll Retirement Drive currently in process, it occurs to me that some people don’t even know who this guy is or why they should care. Naturally, I am speaking of my best friend of 20 years, who just adores making textual appearances on this site. This means, of course, that I’ll be receiving that copy of Alyssa Milano’s Teen Steam workout video for Christmas. Again.

Now, onto the gruesome topic at hand. If you have never seen a Uwe Boll film, I would not, under any circumstances, suggest doing so. To put things into context, a few quick facts will tell you everything you need to know on this classy fellow:

(1) Uwe Boll is Open Minded: He is the only director who possesses the sheer idiocy to cast Tara Reid as a “brilliant anthropologist.” The general consensus was that this film, Alone In The Dark, was “just Tarable.”

(2) Uwe Boll Is Very Friendly: In regard to negative reviews of his films, Uwe doesn’t respond with a well-articulated, point-by-point refutation of the film in question. Instead, Uwe responds by taking an intensely intimate interest in critics’ sex lives — just because he cares so very much:

chris
your review shows me only that you dont understand anything about movies and that you are a untalented wanna bee filmmaker with no balls and no understanding what POSTAL is. you dont see courage because you are nothing. and no go to your mum and fuck her …because she cooks for you now since 30 years ..so she deserves it.
people like you are the reason that independent movies have no chance anymore.
uwe boll
PS: POSTAL is R RATED . The MPAA understood the satire — you not — you dumb fuck

While Mr. Boll’s syntax is remarkable and oh-so-postmodern, I would be interested to know his personal definition of “satire.” Actually, never mind. Please don’t email me, dude.

To conclude this riveting profile, Uwe Boll has given a video response to the aforementioned petition calling for his retirement. The courageous Kotaku.com had the stomach to transcribe part of Uwe Boll’s stand-up comedy act:

“I’m not a fucking retard like Michael Bay or other people running around in the business or Eli Roth making the same shitty movies over and over again . . . If you really look at my movies you will see my real genius you know, and if you go on May 23 on Postal you will see that I deliver a movie what nobody else delivered in the last 10 years, what is way better as all that social critic George Clooney bullshit what you get every fucking weekend . . . You have to really wake up and you have to see me what I am. I am the only genius in the whole fucking business. Goodbye.”

While I do concede that this jackass is correct on the Clooney point, Uwe probably cribbed that sentiment from a bathroom wall. Otherwise, it’s just not worth it to argue with a self-declared genius. Hell, why hasn’t this guy joined the ranks of Scientology yet? They just love that shit.

UPDATE: Although he was undoubtedly consumed by laughter, that Eli Roth bloke briefly described Uwe’s insult as the “GREATEST COMPLIMENT EVER.” That sounds about right.