Lindsay Lohan’s career is still moving along that graceful arc that peaked with Mean Girls, declined through Prairie Home Companion and Georgia Rule, picked up speed with I Know Who Killed Me and two cancelled projects, and will end any day now in a smoking crater. Right now Lindsay’s only project is a recurring character on Ugly Betty, but the financially strapped basket case might be planning to move to the small screen in a big way. Recently LiLo has been seen huddled with Lauren Conrad, whose sole claim to fame is her role on MTV’s “reality” show The Hills. The Enquirer is guessing that Lindsay might be angling for a spot on the show:
It could be good for her effort to get into TV because Lauren’s close friends always end up on her show…..Lindsay would fit in perfectly on The Hills. She loves clubs, shopping and the L.A lifestyle just as much as Lauren and her co-stars Lo, Audrina and Heidi.
Wow. It’s a step up from A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, but not by much. Hard to believe that just a few years ago Lindsay was considered a fast-rising Hollywood star. Don’t be surprised if she shows up in a year or two hawking some absurd thigh-crunching gizmo on post-midnight infomercials. Although she might serve better as a celebrity spokesperson for really unconvincing artificial tanning products.
(Via ONTD.)
Today Maxim released its Hot 100 List of the world’s most beautiful women for 2008. Normally, I’d pay about as much attention to this as to anything else Maxim has to say, but this year I was pretty excited to see that Lindsay Lohan made the list at #9, while Britney Spears clocked in at #19. My HTML skills are rather poor, so “pretty excited” is my substitute for putting that line in 24-point bold font, followed by “WTF!!!1!” repeated four times in four different colors. Of course, it’s possible this is actually 2003, in which case I stand corrected and promise to calm down.
Among its many other virtues, Maxim uses the most tedious click-through format imaginable for its lists, just to maximize (heh!) hits, and nobody’s going to bother with that. So here are the top ten on the list, along with a few other names that will put the placement of La Lohan and Britney in perspective. We’ll tuck them below the jump, just to let the edge-of-your-seat, who-gives-a-rat’s-ass excitement build:
Pages: 1 2
Much like Monty Python’s infamous Black Knight, Lindsay “serous actress” Lohan has long been afflicted with the symptoms of unchecked overconfidence and delusions of invincibility. After a couple of DUIs, several failed rehab stints, and continued drunken antics, it seems that Lohan has finally surpassed Hollywood’s rather tolerant crap threshold. Nikki Finke reports that producers of The Manson Girls have shown the chronically “exhausted” party girl the door:
Production was slated to commence in early July for five weeks in Los Angeles, and everybody was pleased that Lohan was attached back in March. (Some may, or may not, view this true life crime film for her as hitting bottom. Lindsay was to play the part of Nancy Pitman, a pampered surfer girl who became enthralled with Charlie Manson.) But people associated with the movie told agents that Lohan quickly became more of a deficit than an asset when they discovered that they couldn’t find any name actresses who wanted to co-star with her. (And even some name actors…) So now Lindsay is off the pic — but not for the excuses being circulated. Let this be a lesson… Behaving badly may get you on the covers of celebrity-obsessed mags and tabloids. But Hollywood won’t tolerate your shit and shouldn’t.
That last sentence is mostly true. Hollywood won’t put up with that shit if the box office receipts don’t justify it. In Lohan’s case, her films’ ticket sales have dropped at a rate inversely proportional to the number of drunken photographs appearing in the tabloids. Her acting sucks, and none of the films Lohan has appeared in have made money since Mean Girls (2004). As for Herbie: Fully Loaded (2005), which managed to gross $66,023,816, that’s not even passing muster for a $50 million dollar film geared towards a relatively captive audience. Now that she’s allegedly grown up, Lohan has grown worse at pulling in audiences as shown by her three highest-profile outings: Just My Luck (2006) $17,326,650; Georgia Rule (2007) $19,103,072; and I Know Who Killed Me (2007) $7,498,716 (Source: Box Office Mojo).
With the actors and actresses of The Manson Girls refusing to work with the firecrotch, it looks like Lohan’s career finally has crashed. Of course, Hollywood is willing to forgive an underdog drug addict when the actor in question (see Robert Downey Jr.) actually perseveres to get their shit together. Actual talent coupled with a sense of humility also don’t hurt in that regard. Lindsay, it’s time to hit the porn circuit.
Snoop Dogg Sings in German
Snoop Dogg’s paw prints are everywhere lately. When he’s not doing exciting things like freaking everyone’s shit out at the CMT Music Awards, he’s been guest-starring on daytime soap “One Life to Live” (thanx to GroovyVic), chilling with Willie Nelson in Amsterdam, and making recent strides to win a visa battle and gain re-entry to the U.K.. Unfortunately, not everything Snoop touches turns to gold, for he’s reportedly been in the studio with Lindsay Lohan to help her with Plan B when her acting career finally implodes. Alas, word on the street is that Lohan’s new music sucks pretty hard no matter who helps her out. Too bad.
If Snoop runs fast enough, he might just maintain his lucrative career and make a few more bizarre German commercials like the above video, in which he sings in German as an homage to singer Roy Black. Fo shizzle.
Lindsay Lohan has received a bit of public recognition she probably could have done without by becoming the new poster girl for the American Beverage Institute, a restaurant industry group with an interest in one of Lindsay’s two favorite beverages (hint: it’s not Red Bull).
The group kicked off an ad campaign against ignition interlock devices with this full-page ad in USA Today (go to Faded Youth to see a larger, but still blurry, version):
To save you whatever they’re charging for a copy of USA Today, here’s what the text at the bottom says:
Ignition interlocks, or in-car breathalyzers, are a great tool for getting hard-core drunk drivers off our roads. However, activists now want to put one in every car in America. That means the end of moderate and responsible drinking prior to driving…No more champagne toasts at weddings, no more wine with dinner, no more beers at a ballgame.
Let’s stop drunk driving without eliminating our traditions.
Unfortunately, mug shots are considered public domain, and the ad clearly identifies Lindsay’s picture as her mug shot. So she can’t sue the ABI, and she won’t be getting any residuals for the use of her picture in a PSA which really isn’t going to improve her public image. Compared to this, Paris Hilton really is a marketing genius.
Lindsay Lohan is always on the prowl for some fresh manhood, and those that fall into her clutches will no doubt experience that awful morning-after feeling that lasts a lifetime. Besides, La Lohan’s mugshot from The Smoking Gun makes her look like the ideal candidate for Miss Hoosegow Honey, and you just know that, in a decade or so, she’ll be missing a few teeth after being forced to substitute crack for her usual cocaine when the boobs go away and her career takes that final trajectory.
So, imagine how badly I felt for our director friend, poor Eli Roth, concerning his recent close-encounter with Lohan:
I was having drinks with a friend at the Beverly Hills Hotel the other night, and Lindsay Lohan walked by our booth with a girlfriend, checking us out. She then went out to the bathroom, turned around, came back and walked by us again, and mumbled to her friend “too old,” and kept walking. Now - she’s absolutely correct - but it was still pretty fucking hilarious. Especially since we were in the Polo Lounge at the Beverly Hills Hotel - where the average age is 97. If you look too old in there you’re fucked! Time to hit the Botox!
By the way, Eli is 35 years old and not looking too shabby, unlike LaLohan herself.
Trust me, you’ll get over this horrid moment of rejection, Eli. Your hair may never recover, but you shall.
Kirsten Dunst looks, well, interesting in the latest typically crazy red-purple Miu Miu advert campaign. While I’m not crazy about Kiki’s impression that she is indespensible to the Spiderman franchise, Kirsten is preferable to Miu Miu’s last celebrity spokesperson, Lindsay Lohan, who appeared in bizarre Little Orphan Annie-styled adverts.
While I’m not sure what ugly, overpriced handbags have to do with all of this, I will admit that Kirsten’s legs look do absolutely gorgeous in these proofs:
And much more leggage below:
Pages: 1 2
About six months ago we all enjoyed reading the lurid, tell-all account of Life With Lindsay that former bodyguard Lee Weaver shopped around for a truckload of cash. Weaver claimed La Lohan indulged in massive drug use, violent, psychotic behavior, promiscuous lesbian sex, and everything else he could think of short of tearing those “Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law” tags off the underside of hotel mattresses. Most of it was probably true, which didn’t make Weaver’s “sing for the bling” sellout any less unprofessional.
Now another of Lindsay’s bodyguards is getting into the act. Andrae Renard is suing American Media Inc., Star Magazine’s parent company, because the tabloid ran his picture alongside their original story “Lindsay’s Bodyguard Bares All! Her Sick, Secret World” and misidentified him as Weaver, the actual source of the story. Renard claims the botched photo has damaged his reputation as a celebrity bodyguard and deprived him of his primary income. Star did run a retraction something like a month later, but said the pic was of someone called Andrae Newman. A person claiming to be the real Andrae Newman is also suing Star.
This story is full of winners. Weaver gets a huge undisclosed sum for singing like a scuzzbucket, Star sells a lot of copies and is going to pay dearly for the privilege, and Renard and the alleged Andrae Newman get their reputations cleared. Lindsay’s three-year lost weekend may have left her broke and unemployable, but it’s making a lot of other people rich.
